From the book, “Practicing Peace in Times of War” by Pema Chodron -An excerpt from the chapter Changing Our Attitude Toward Pain
According to Buddhist teachings, difficulty is inevitable in human life. For one thing, we cannot escape the reality of death. But there is also the realities of aging, of illness, of not getting what we want, and of getting what we don’t want. These kind of difficulties are facts of life. Even if you were the Buddha himself, if you were a fully enlightened person, you would experience death, illness, aging, and sorrow at losing what you love. All of these things would happen to you. If you got cut or burned, it would hurt.
But the Buddhist teachings also say that this is not really what causes misery in our lives. What causes misery is always trying to get away from the facts of life, always trying to avoid pain and seek happenings-this sense of ours that there could be security and happiness available to us if we could only do the right thing.
In this very lifetime we can do ourselves and this planet a great favor and turn this very old way of thinking upside down. As Shantideva points out, suffering has a great deal to teach us. If we use the opportunity when it arises, suffering will motivate us to look for answers. Many people, including myself, came to the spiritual path because of deep unhappiniess.Suffering can also teach us empathy for others who are in the same boat. Furthermore, suffering can humble us. Even the most arrogant among us can be softened by the loss of someone dear.
Yet it is so basic in us to feel that things should go well for us and that if we start to feel depressed, lonely, or inadequate, there’s been some kind of mistake, or we have lost it. In reality, when you feel depressed, lonely, betrayed, or any unwanted feelings, this is an important moment on the spiritual path. This is where real transformation can take place.
As long as we are caught up in always looking for certainty and happiness, rather than honoring the taste and smell and quality of exactly what is happening, as long as were always running away from discomfort, were going to be caught in a cycle of unhappiness and disappointment, and we feel weaker and weaker. This way of seeing helps us to develop inner strength. And what’s especially encouraging is the view that inner strength is available to us at just the moment when we think we have hit bottom, when things are at their worst.
Instead of asking ourselves, “How can I find security and happiness?” we could ask ourselves, “Can I touch the center of my pain?” Can I sit with suffering, both yours and mine, without trying to make it go away? Can I stay present to the ache of loss or disgrace-disappointment in all its many forms-and let it open me?” This is the trick.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Activism and Mind Training By Pema Chodron
LOJONG
Activism and Mind Training
Gampo Abbey
When the world is filled with evil, transform all mishaps into the path of bodhi.
This [lojong slogan] has various translations. I have trouble myself with the word evil. But I think the translations all use the word. What it's getting at is when you find your life situation is causing enormous pain —or even slight pain— it's causing discomfort, not hiding from that, not running from that, in the usual ways we do.
Instead, let it transform you into the path of bodhi, the path of awakening. Let it wake you up.
I imagine on any average day of your life, you have a few you have of these painful emotions, outward situations that cause you to feel a lot of distress, emotional intensity of some kind. Then what is the suggestion? It says, Let it transform you.
First thing is taking the attitude of being curious about what's happening. In other words when there is pain, becoming curious. Just that, letting there be kind of a pause before the chain reaction begins.
Acknowledging
Last week I talked about acknowledging being such a powerful tool. Acknowledging what's happening. You just acknowledge that pain is happening. Sometimes people will use different words they'll say, "My conditioning is kicking in here," or "My usual habits are being triggered here." You don't have to use fancy language. You can just acknowledge that you're feeling pain.
When you're sitting each day, instead of feeling the sitting is a time to chill out and forget about all that- particularly if it's got you in its grips, but little ones are also good to work with because they're not so overwhelming. When you sit down, first thing is you have to train in this extremely difficult and revolutionary advice to just let the words about it go, to let the words about it go, letting the thinking go, the story line. That is the basic instruction. It's not easy to do this. To sit and purposely churn it up a little bit. This is the contemplative part with your sitting practice this particular day- it may wind up being every day- you think about what's bothering you. To get in touch with the clenched quality of it, the sorrow, the grief, the loneliness.
What this is leading to is that first just acknowledge that something feels like a lump in your heart, or your throat, or your stomach, as is the energy if hot and molten, blocked and not moving, hard, but in any case pain, just pain.
Just start getting in touch with your body, find it in your body, find your unhappiness, your pain in your body. Usually we have places where we hold. It's valuable instruction to soften your belly because there is a lot of tension holding there. Just get in touch with it and breathe in and out where the tightness is.
You're trying to get close to it in an experiential way that's not just talking about it to yourself. Anything to get you away from the description of what's going on, who's to blame. Really being fully with the pain. This is somehow part of the pith of lojong is a whole different approach to being with pain, using it as an aid to awakening.
In order to use it as an aid to awakening you have to know it. We just feel this uncomfortableness and then there's a lot of mentally running away. Everything from dissociating so you're actually not there, which is involuntary and there's not a lot you can do about it except notice that you're dissociating. I'm not saying that you're supposed to do a specific thing, except that in your own way, in the way you're capable at that time, just acknowledging what's happening with an attitude of kindness. You can call it an attitude of self-compassion. That doesn't have to have any words to it. It's just a gentle approach to acknowledging that there's pain.
If it's possible to feel it, and the reason I'm stressing it is rather than think about it, you're going to think about it. The stories are going to blossom like a garden going wild, seeds popping out all over the place, flowering with your resentful thoughts, your how I'm going to get even thoughts, how you're going to make it all OK, that's my favorite, that's what I do. Or how I'm not going to do it this time. Whatever. As best you can, let the words go and really feel it as a way of knowing pain in a non-verbal way. Even if it's just for half a second.
If that's all you do, that is revolutionary right there. The heart of lojong is just taking a different attitude towards pain is something that can transform us rather than something we harden around, something that we protect against, we push away, and then the whole ego structure is really based on trying to get away from that pain.
It's kind of fear-based. I gave a teaching in Berkeley over Labor Day just on the subject of fear and I'll just say very briefly here what I taught that whole weekend is if you begin to find the pain, there is fear in it, it's the tension of pushing away, the hardness that you'll find there.
Someone said to me once, "Find the fear." I think the idea was that I was supposed to look and look and I wouldn't find anything. I came back and I said, "I found it. It's this huge painful knot in my solar plexus. And it's undeniably there." Then the teacher said, "That's already the resistance to the pain." What you're experiencing as pain is already the resistance to fear, the clutching, so there are meditations that could be of benefit to you where you breathe in and out of the pain. It's a mindfulness practice for going into the heart of the pain.
This is pain which we may call anger, pain we may call "rejection," pain we may call everything going wrong, stress, We call it a lot of things but if you actually sit down and go into it, you usually find a physically felt thing. Then you get as close as you can.
This is the pith of transforming unfavorable circumstances into the path of awakening, or letting the unfavorable circumstance transform you. People will often say "What does this have to do with the fact that people are living on the streets, people live lives where they are surrounded by violence, where they have no safety, no protection. I want to do something to help this situation. I don't want to just sit on my red or black or brown or whatever colored cushion and get in touch with MY pain."
The point here is that effective action starts with self-knowing, self-understanding of where we're caught.
You don't want to start helping people out of your uptightness, out of your strong sense of you're going to get revenge. It escalates the aggression and even though you may have short term successes, somebody has been so provoked by your aggression that the retaliation comes back. The cycle of aggression continues... century after century after century.
This is sort of like the Buck stops here. If you want to be an activist to work with the suffering of the world, jump right in and when you find that you can't do it, it's over your head, because your own fear, your own aggression, your own resentment, then do this practice.
It's not like either/or. You may be able to jump into a situation and the limits of your open-mindedness may be very wide. But when you meet the limits of your open-mindedness, then all your conditioning, all your uptightness click in.
Then it's like shutting down. You can't help this person anymore. They become your opponent. They're the ones driving you crazy. When you start to do the work of working with the suffering of the world, you find again and again that you can't get it to work out right. It's just people loving people.
It isn't that they turn out the way You want them to, or that the whole situation turn upside down because of your efforts. This is where the selflessness comes in, by jumping right in and being honest about meeting the edge of your open-mindedness and you experience it as pain, as rage, as resentment, as loneliness, as feeling misunderstood. We don't have to be activists to do this practice. It happens right in your own kitchen, your own office, on the streets, on buses, all over. You have plenty of opportunity to feel pain and to feel that we're in unfavorable circumstance or a difficult place...
The traditional lojong instruction is to then breathe in for yourself with the recognition that this pain is globally experienced, experienced by all of humanity, all our brothers and sisters feel this. We are very unique in terms of our personal histories, our stories.
When you get this close to pain, that's universal. Everybody feels fear, anger. Different things may trigger for different people. Breathe out sending relief.
Activism and Mind Training
Gampo Abbey
When the world is filled with evil, transform all mishaps into the path of bodhi.
This [lojong slogan] has various translations. I have trouble myself with the word evil. But I think the translations all use the word. What it's getting at is when you find your life situation is causing enormous pain —or even slight pain— it's causing discomfort, not hiding from that, not running from that, in the usual ways we do.
Instead, let it transform you into the path of bodhi, the path of awakening. Let it wake you up.
I imagine on any average day of your life, you have a few you have of these painful emotions, outward situations that cause you to feel a lot of distress, emotional intensity of some kind. Then what is the suggestion? It says, Let it transform you.
First thing is taking the attitude of being curious about what's happening. In other words when there is pain, becoming curious. Just that, letting there be kind of a pause before the chain reaction begins.
Acknowledging
Last week I talked about acknowledging being such a powerful tool. Acknowledging what's happening. You just acknowledge that pain is happening. Sometimes people will use different words they'll say, "My conditioning is kicking in here," or "My usual habits are being triggered here." You don't have to use fancy language. You can just acknowledge that you're feeling pain.
When you're sitting each day, instead of feeling the sitting is a time to chill out and forget about all that- particularly if it's got you in its grips, but little ones are also good to work with because they're not so overwhelming. When you sit down, first thing is you have to train in this extremely difficult and revolutionary advice to just let the words about it go, to let the words about it go, letting the thinking go, the story line. That is the basic instruction. It's not easy to do this. To sit and purposely churn it up a little bit. This is the contemplative part with your sitting practice this particular day- it may wind up being every day- you think about what's bothering you. To get in touch with the clenched quality of it, the sorrow, the grief, the loneliness.
What this is leading to is that first just acknowledge that something feels like a lump in your heart, or your throat, or your stomach, as is the energy if hot and molten, blocked and not moving, hard, but in any case pain, just pain.
Just start getting in touch with your body, find it in your body, find your unhappiness, your pain in your body. Usually we have places where we hold. It's valuable instruction to soften your belly because there is a lot of tension holding there. Just get in touch with it and breathe in and out where the tightness is.
You're trying to get close to it in an experiential way that's not just talking about it to yourself. Anything to get you away from the description of what's going on, who's to blame. Really being fully with the pain. This is somehow part of the pith of lojong is a whole different approach to being with pain, using it as an aid to awakening.
In order to use it as an aid to awakening you have to know it. We just feel this uncomfortableness and then there's a lot of mentally running away. Everything from dissociating so you're actually not there, which is involuntary and there's not a lot you can do about it except notice that you're dissociating. I'm not saying that you're supposed to do a specific thing, except that in your own way, in the way you're capable at that time, just acknowledging what's happening with an attitude of kindness. You can call it an attitude of self-compassion. That doesn't have to have any words to it. It's just a gentle approach to acknowledging that there's pain.
If it's possible to feel it, and the reason I'm stressing it is rather than think about it, you're going to think about it. The stories are going to blossom like a garden going wild, seeds popping out all over the place, flowering with your resentful thoughts, your how I'm going to get even thoughts, how you're going to make it all OK, that's my favorite, that's what I do. Or how I'm not going to do it this time. Whatever. As best you can, let the words go and really feel it as a way of knowing pain in a non-verbal way. Even if it's just for half a second.
If that's all you do, that is revolutionary right there. The heart of lojong is just taking a different attitude towards pain is something that can transform us rather than something we harden around, something that we protect against, we push away, and then the whole ego structure is really based on trying to get away from that pain.
It's kind of fear-based. I gave a teaching in Berkeley over Labor Day just on the subject of fear and I'll just say very briefly here what I taught that whole weekend is if you begin to find the pain, there is fear in it, it's the tension of pushing away, the hardness that you'll find there.
Someone said to me once, "Find the fear." I think the idea was that I was supposed to look and look and I wouldn't find anything. I came back and I said, "I found it. It's this huge painful knot in my solar plexus. And it's undeniably there." Then the teacher said, "That's already the resistance to the pain." What you're experiencing as pain is already the resistance to fear, the clutching, so there are meditations that could be of benefit to you where you breathe in and out of the pain. It's a mindfulness practice for going into the heart of the pain.
This is pain which we may call anger, pain we may call "rejection," pain we may call everything going wrong, stress, We call it a lot of things but if you actually sit down and go into it, you usually find a physically felt thing. Then you get as close as you can.
This is the pith of transforming unfavorable circumstances into the path of awakening, or letting the unfavorable circumstance transform you. People will often say "What does this have to do with the fact that people are living on the streets, people live lives where they are surrounded by violence, where they have no safety, no protection. I want to do something to help this situation. I don't want to just sit on my red or black or brown or whatever colored cushion and get in touch with MY pain."
The point here is that effective action starts with self-knowing, self-understanding of where we're caught.
You don't want to start helping people out of your uptightness, out of your strong sense of you're going to get revenge. It escalates the aggression and even though you may have short term successes, somebody has been so provoked by your aggression that the retaliation comes back. The cycle of aggression continues... century after century after century.
This is sort of like the Buck stops here. If you want to be an activist to work with the suffering of the world, jump right in and when you find that you can't do it, it's over your head, because your own fear, your own aggression, your own resentment, then do this practice.
It's not like either/or. You may be able to jump into a situation and the limits of your open-mindedness may be very wide. But when you meet the limits of your open-mindedness, then all your conditioning, all your uptightness click in.
Then it's like shutting down. You can't help this person anymore. They become your opponent. They're the ones driving you crazy. When you start to do the work of working with the suffering of the world, you find again and again that you can't get it to work out right. It's just people loving people.
It isn't that they turn out the way You want them to, or that the whole situation turn upside down because of your efforts. This is where the selflessness comes in, by jumping right in and being honest about meeting the edge of your open-mindedness and you experience it as pain, as rage, as resentment, as loneliness, as feeling misunderstood. We don't have to be activists to do this practice. It happens right in your own kitchen, your own office, on the streets, on buses, all over. You have plenty of opportunity to feel pain and to feel that we're in unfavorable circumstance or a difficult place...
The traditional lojong instruction is to then breathe in for yourself with the recognition that this pain is globally experienced, experienced by all of humanity, all our brothers and sisters feel this. We are very unique in terms of our personal histories, our stories.
When you get this close to pain, that's universal. Everybody feels fear, anger. Different things may trigger for different people. Breathe out sending relief.
GOOD MEDICINE
Photo by Christine Alicino.
Pema Chödrön in conversation with Alice Walker
San Francisco | September 1999
Alice Walker: About four years ago I was having a very difficult time. I had lost someone I loved deeply and nothing seemed to help. Then a friend sent me a tape set by Pema Chödrön called Awakening Compassion. I stayed in the country and I listened to you, Pema, every night for the next year. I studied lojong mind training and I practiced tonglen.
It was tonglen,the practice of taking in people's pain and sending out whatever you have that is positive, that helped me through this difficult passage. I want to thank you so much, and to ask you a question. In my experience suffering is perennial; there is always suffering. But does suffering really have a use? I used to think there was no use to it, but now I think that there is.
Pema Chödrön: Is there any use in suffering? I think the reason I am so taken by these teachings is that they are based on using suffering as good medicine, like the Buddhist metaphor of using poison as medicine. It's as if there's a moment of suffering that occurs over and over and over again in every human life.
What usually happens in that moment is that it hardens us; it hardens the heart because we don't want any more pain. But the lojong teachings say we can take that very moment and flip it. The very thing that causes us to harden and our suffering to intensify can soften us and make us more decent and kinder people. That takes a lot of courage.
This is a teaching for people who are willing to cultivate their courage. What's wonderful about it is that you have plenty of material to work with. If you're waiting for only the high points to work with, you might give up, but there's an endless succession of suffering. One of the main teachings of the Buddha was the truth of dukha, which is usually translated as "suffering." But a better translation might be "dissatisfaction." Dissatisfaction is inherent in being human; it's not some mistake that you or I have made as individuals. Therefore, if we can learn to catch that moment, to relax with it, dissatisfaction doesn't need to keep escalating. In fact it becomes the seed of compassion, the seed of loving kindness.
Alice Walker: I was surprised how the heart literally responds to this practice. You can feel it responding physically. As you breathe in what is difficult to bear, there is initial resistance, which is the fear, the constriction. That's the time when you really have to be brave. But if you keep going and doing the practice, the heart actually relaxes. That is quite amazing to feel.
Pema Chödrön: When we start out on a spiritual path we often have ideals we think we're supposed to live up to. We feel we're supposed to be better than we are in some way. But with this practice you take yourself completely as you are. Then ironically, taking in pain-breathing it in for yourself and all others in the same boat as you are-heightens your awareness of exactly where you're stuck. Instead of feeling you need some magic makeover so you can suddenly become some great person, there's much more emotional honesty about where you're stuck.
Alice Walker: Exactly. You see that the work is right ahead of you all the time. Pema Chodron: There is a kind of unstuckness that starts to happen. You develop loving-kindness and compassion for this self that is stuck, which is called maitri. And since you have a sense of all the other sentient beings stuck just like you, it also awakens compassion. Alice Walker: I remember the day I really got it that we're not connected as human beings because of our perfection, but because of our flaws. That was such a relief.
Pema Chödrön: Rumi wrote a poem called Night Travelers. It's about how all the darkness of human beings is a shared thing from the beginning of time, and how understanding that opens up your heart and opens up your world. You begin to think bigger. Rather than depressing you, it makes you feel part of the whole.
Alice Walker: I like what you say about understanding that the darkness represents our wealth, because that's true. There's so much fixation on the light, as if the darkness can be dispensed with, but of course it cannot. After all, there is night, there is earth; so this is a wonderful acknowledgment of richness. I think the Jamaicans are right when they call each other fellow sufferer, because that's how it feels.
We aren't angels, we aren't saints, we're all down here doing the best we can. We're trying to be good people, but we do get really mad. You talk in your tapes about when you discovered that your former husband was seeing someone else, and you threw a rock at him. This was very helpful (laughter). It was really good to have a humorous, earthy, real person as a teacher. This was great.
Pema Chödrön: When that marriage broke up, I don't know why it devastated me so much but it was really a kind of annihilation. It was the beginning of my spiritual path, definitely, because I was looking for answers. I was in the lowest point in my life and I read this article by Trungpa Rinpoche called Working With Negativity. I was scared by my anger and looking for answers to it. I kept having all these fantasies of destroying my ex-husband and they were hard to shake. There was an enormous feeling of groundlessness and fear that came from not being able to entertain myself out of the pain. The usual exits, the usual ways of distracting myself-nothing was working.
Alice Walker: Nothing worked.
Pema Chödrön: And Trungpa Rinpoche basically said that there's nothing wrong with negativity per se. He said there's a lot you can learn from it, that it's a very strong creative energy. He said the real problem is what he called negative negativity, which is when you don't just stay with negativity but spin off into all the endless cycle of things you can say to yourself about it.
Alice Walker: What gets us is the spinoff. If you could just sit with the basic feeling then you could free yourself, but it's almost impossible if you're caught up in one mental drama after another. That's what happens.
Pema Chödrön: This is an essential understanding of vajrayana, or tantric, Buddhism. In vajrayana Buddhism they talk about how what we call negative energies-such as anger, lust, envy, jealousy, these powerful energies-are all actually wisdoms in disguise. But to experience that you have to not spin off; you have to be able to relax with the energy. So tonglen, which is considered more of a mahayana practice, was my entry into being able to sit with that kind of energy. And it gave me a way to include all the other people, to recognize that so many people were in the same boat as I was. Alice Walker: You do recognize that everybody is in that boat sooner or later, in one form or other. It's good to feel that you're not alone.
Pema Chödrön: I want to ask you about joy. It's all very well to talk about poison as medicine and breathing in the suffering and sending out relief and so forth, but did you find any joy coming out of this?
Alice Walker: Oh Yes! Even just not being so miserable. Part of the joyousness was knowing we have help. It was great to know that this wisdom is so old. That means people have had this pain for a long time, they've been dealing with it, and they had the foresight to leave these practices for us to use. I'm always supported by spirits and ancestors and people in my tribe, whoever they've been and however long ago they lived. So it was like having another tribe of people, of ancestors, come to the rescue with this wisdom that came through you and your way of teaching.
Pema Chödrön: I think the times are ripe for this kind of teaching.
Alice Walker: Oh, I think it's just the right medicine for today. You know, the other really joyous thing is that I feel more open, I feel more openness toward people in my world. It's what you have said about feeling more at home in your world. I think this is the result of going the distance in your own heart-really being disciplined about opening your heart as much as you can. The thing I find, Pema, is that it closes up again. You know?
Pema Chödrön: Oh no! (laughter) One year of listening to me and your heart still closes up?
Alice Walker: Yeah. It's like what you have said about how the ego is like a closed room and our whole life's work is to open the door. You may open the door and then discover that you're not up to keeping it open for long. The work is to keep opening it. You have an epiphany, you understand something, you feel slightly enlightened about something, but then you lose it. That's the reality. So it's not a bad thing.
Pema Chödrön: No.
Alice Walker: But it's frustrating at times, because you think to yourself, I've worked on this, why is it still snagging in the same spot?
Pema Chödrön: That's how life keeps us honest. The inspiration that comes from feeling the openness seems so important, but on the other hand, I'm sure it would eventually turn into some kind of spiritual pride or arrogance. So life has this miraculous ability to smack you in the face with a real humdinger just when you're going over the edge in terms of thinking you've accomplished something. That humbles you; it's some kind of natural balancing that keeps you human. At the same time the sense of joy does get stronger and stronger.
Alice Walker: Because otherwise you feel you're just going to be smacked endlessly, and what's the point? (laughter)
Pema Chödrön: It's about relaxing with the moment, whether it's painful or pleasurable. I teach about that a lot because that's personally how I experience it. The openness brings the smile on my face, the sense of gladness just to be here. And when it gets painful, it's not like there's been some big mistake or something. It just comes and goes.
Alice Walker: That brings me to something else I've discovered in my practice, because I've been doing meditation for many years-not tonglen, but TM and metta practice. There are times when I meditate, really meditate, very on the dot, for a year or so, and then I'll stop. So what happens? Does that ever happen to you?
Pema Chödrön: Yes. (laughter)
Alice Walker: Good!
Pema Chödrön: And I just don't worry about it.
Alice Walker: Good! (laughter)
Pema Chödrön: One of the things I've discovered as the years go on is that there can't be any "shoulds." Even meditation practice can become something you feel you should do, and then it becomes another thing you worry about. So I just let it ebb and flow, because I feel it's always with you in some way, whether you're formally practicing or not.
My hunger for meditation ebbs but the hunger always comes back, and not necessarily because things are going badly. It's like a natural opening and closing, or a natural relaxation and then getting involved in something else, going back and forth.
Alice Walker: I was surprised to discover how easy it was for me to begin meditating many years ago. What I liked was how familiar that state was.
The place that I most love is when I disappear. You know, there's a point where you just disappear. That is so wonderful, because I'm sure that's how it will be after we die, that you're just not here, but it's fine.
Pema Chödrön: What do you mean exactly, you disappear?
Alice Walker: Well, you reach that point where it's just like space, and you don't feel yourself. You're not thinking about what you're going to cook, and you're not thinking about what you're going to wear, and you're not really aware of your body. I like that because as a writer I spend a lot of time in spaces that I've created myself and it's a relief to have another place that is basically empty.
Pema Chödrön: I don't think I have the same experience. It's more like being here —fully and completely here. It's true that meditation practice is liberating and timeless and that, definitely, there is no caught-up-ness. But it is also profoundly simple and immediate. In contrast, everything else feels like fantasy, like it is completely made up by mind.
Alice Walker: Well, I feel like I live a lot of my life in a different realm anyway, especially when I'm out in nature. So meditation takes me to that place when I'm not in nature. It is a place of really feeling the oneness, that you're not kept from it by the fact that you're wearing a suit. You're just in it; that's one of the really good things about meditation for me.
Judy Lief: I assume, Alice, that as an activist your job is to take on situations of extreme suffering and try to alleviate them to some degree. How has this practice affected your approach to activism?
Alice Walker: Well, my activism really is for myself, because I see places in the world where I really feel I should be. If there is something really bad, really evil, happening somewhere, then that is where I should be. I need, for myself, to feel that I have stood there. It feels a lot better than just watching it on television.
Judy Lief: This is where you bring together your private practice and your public action.
Alice Walker: Yes. Before I was sort of feeling my way. I went to places like Mississippi and stood with the people and realized the suffering they were experiencing. I shared the danger they put themselves in by demanding their rights. I felt this incredible opening, a feeling of finally being at home in my world, which was what I needed. I needed to feel I could be at home there, and the only way was to actually go and connect with the people.
Pema Chödrön: And the other extreme is when our primary motivation is avoidance of pain. Then the world becomes scarier and scarier.
Alice Walker: Exactly.
Pema Chödrön: That's the really sad thing-the world becomes more and more frightening, and you don't want to go out your door. Sure there's a lot of danger out there, but the tonglen approach makes you more open to the fear it evokes in you, and your world gets bigger.
Judy Lief: When you are practicing tonglen, taking on pain of others, what causes that to flip into something positive, as opposed to being stuck in a negative space or seeing yourself as a martyr?
Alice Walker: I think it's knowing that you're not the only one suffering. That's just what happens on earth. There may be other places in the galaxy where people don't suffer, where beings are just fine, where they never get parking tickets even. But what seems to be happening here is just really heavy duty suffering. I remember years ago, when I was asking myself what was the use of all this suffering.
I was reading the Gnostic Gospels, in which Jesus says something that really struck me. He says basically, learn how to suffer and you will not suffer. That dovetails with this teaching, which is a kind of an acceptance that suffering is the human condition.
Pema Chödrön: It is true people fear tonglen practice. Particularly if people have a lot of depression, they fear it is going to be tough to relate with the suffering so directly. I have found that it's less overwhelming if you start with your own experience of suffering and then generalize to all the other people who are feeling what you do. That gives you a way to work with your pain: instead of feeling like you're increasing your suffering, you're making it meaningful.
If you're taught that you should do tonglen only for other people, that's too big a leap for most people. But if you start with yourself as the reference point and extend out from that, you find that your compassion becomes much more spontaneous and real. You have less fear of the suffering you perceive in the world-yours and other people's.
It's a lot about overcoming the fear of suffering. My experience of working with this practice is that it has brought me a moment by moment sense of wellbeing. That's encouraging to people who are afraid to start the practice-to know that relating directly with your suffering is a doorway to wellbeing for yourself and others, rather than some kind of masochism.
Alice Walker: I would say that is also true for me in going to stand where I feel I need to stand. I feel I get to that same place. I also appreciate the teaching on driving all blame into yourself. We need a teaching on how fruitless it is to always blame the other person.
In my life I can see places where I have not wanted to take my part of the blame. That's a losing proposition. There's no gain in it because you never learn very much about yourself. You don't own all your parts. There are places in each of us that are quite scary, but you have to make friends with them. You have to really get to know them, to say, hello, there you are again. It's very helpful to do that.
Pema Chödrön: One of the things the Buddha pointed out in his early teaching was that everybody wants happiness or freedom from pain, but the methods human beings habitually use are not in sync with the wish. The methods always end up escalating the pain. For example, someone yells at you and then you yell back and then they yell back and it gets worse and worse. You think the reason not to yell back is because, you know, good people don't yell back. But the truth is that by not yelling back you're just getting smart about what's really going to bring you some happiness.
Judy Lief: The lojong slogan says Drive all blames into one, that is, yourself. But there are definitely situations where from the conventional viewpoint there are bad guys and good guys, oppressors and oppressed. How do you combine taking the blame yourself with combating oppression or evil that you encounter?
Alice Walker: Maybe it doesn't work there. (laughter) Pema why don't you take that one. (laughter)
Pema Chödrön: Well, here would be my question: does it help to have a sense of enemy in trying to end oppression?
Alice Walker: No.
Pema Chödrön: So maybe that's it.
Alice Walker: I think it's probably about seeing. As Bob Marley said so beautifully, the biggest bully you ever did see was once a tiny baby. That's true. I mean, I've tried that on Ronald Reagan. I even tried that on Richard Nixon, but it didn't really work that well. But really, when you're standing face to face with someone who just told you to go to the back of the bus, or someone who has said that women aren't allowed here, or whatever, what do you do? I don't know what you do, Pema, but at that moment I always see that they're really miserable people and they need help. Now, of course, I think I would love to send them a copy of "Awakening Compassion."(laughter)
Pema Chödrön: It's seeing that the cause of someone's aggression is their suffering. And you could also realize that your aggression is not going to help anything. So you're standing there, you are being provoked, you are feeling aggression, and what do you do? That's when tonglen becomes very helpful. You breathe in and connect with your own aggression with a lot of honesty. You have such a strong recognition in that moment of all the oppressed people who are provoked and feeling like you do. If you just keep doing that, something different might come out of your mouth. Alice Walker: And war will not be what comes out.
Judy Lief: It seems to me that Dr. Martin Luther King had the quality of a tonglen practitioner. Yet he didn't ask us not to take stands.
Alice Walker: He was from a long line of Baptist preachers, someone who could really get to that place of centeredness through prayer and through love. I think the person who has a great capacity to love, which often flowers when you can see and feel the suffering of other people, can also strategize. I think he was a great strategist. I think he often got very angry and upset, but at the same time he knew what he was up against. Sometimes he was the only really lucid person in a situation, so he knew how much of the load he was carrying and how much depended on him.
As activists, it is really important to have some kind of practice, so that when we go out into the world to confront horrible situations we can do it knowing we're in the right place ourselves. Knowing we're not bringing more fuel to the fire, more anger, more despair. It's difficult but that should not be a deterrent. The more difficult something seems, the more it's possible to give up hope. You approach the situation with the feeling of having already given up hope, but that doesn't stop you. You said we should put that slogan about abandoning hope on our refrigerators.
Pema Chödrön: "Give up all hope of fruition."
Alice Walker: Right. Just do it because you're doing it and it feels like the right thing to do, but without feeling it's necessarily going to change anything.
Pema Chödrön: Something that I heard Trungpa Rinpoche say has been a big help to me. He said to live your life as an experiment, so that you're always experimenting. You could experiment with yelling back and see what happens. You could experiment with tonglen and see how that works. You could see what actually allows some kind of communication to happen. You learn pretty fast what closes down communication, and that's the strong sense of enemy. If the other person feels your hatred, then everyone closes down.
Alice Walker: I feel that fear is what closes people down more than anything, just being afraid. The times when I have really been afraid to go forward, with a relationship or a problem, is because there is fear. I think practice of being with your feelings, letting them come up and not trying to push them away, is incredibly helpful.
Question from the audience: Thank you both for being here and bringing so much pleasure to so many people tonight. I'm asking a question for a friend who couldn't come tonight. She was at Pema's three day seminar and she left on Saturday feeling badly because she had got in touch with her anger and couldn't stay. Now she feels she's a bad Buddhist, a bad practitioner. I've been trying to tell her it's okay but I think she needs to hear your words.
Pema Chödrön: Well, tell her we're used to using everything that we hear against ourselves, so it's really common to take the dharma teachings and use them against yourself. But the fact is we don't have to do that anymore. We don't have to do that. It's just like Alice saying that the heart opens and then it closes, so she has to realize that's how it is forever and ever. She'll get in touch and then she'll lose touch and get in touch and lose touch. So she has to keep on going with herself and not give up on herself.
Question: This is really hard on her because you two are her favorite people in the entire world.
Alice Walker: And she didn't come?
Question: She's so broken-hearted.
Pema Chödrön: She didn't come because she was so ashamed of herself for not being able to stay with it...that's not true, is it?
Question: Yes, it is. Pema Chodron: Really. Wow. You should tell her that she's just an ordinary human being. (laughter) What's a little unusual about her is that she was willing to get in touch with it for even a little bit.
Question: My name is Margaret, and I have practiced Tibetan Buddhism for a number of years. About eighteen months ago, right around the time that for the first time in my life I fell in love with a woman, the Dalai Lama made a number of comments pointing out where the Tibetan tradition did not regard homosexuality as a positive thing, but in fact as an obstacle to spiritual growth. It reached the point that I left the sangha I was connected with and found a different part of the spiritual path that's working for me now.
I have gay and bisexual friends who are interested in Buddhism but some of them have been stopped by what the Dalai Lama had to say and by the lack of coherent answers from other people. I think it would be a big service if you could address that.
Pema Chödrön: Well, listen. I have so much respect for the Dalai Lama and I think that's where people get stuck. I didn't actually hear those comments, and I heard there were also favorable comments. But aside from all that, as Buddhism comes to the West, Western Buddhist teachers simply don't buy that. It's as if Asian teachers said that women were inferior or something. I mean, it's absurd. That's all there is to it. (applause) It's just ridiculous.
Question: Let me ask you to say that often and loud.
Pema Chodron: Sure! I go on record. And I'm not alone, it's not something unique with me. Western teachers, coming from this culture, we see things pretty differently on certain issues and this is one, for sure. But the Dalai Lama is a wonderful man, and I have a feeling that if he were sitting here he'd have something else to say on the subject.
Alice Walker: You know, when he was here at the peace conference he was confronted by gay men and lesbian women and he readily admitted that he really didn't know. He didn't seem rigid on it. But also, when there is wisdom about, we should have it! Wisdom belongs to the people. We must never be kept from wisdom by anybody telling us you can't have it because you're this, that or the other.
Question: I have a question about the connection between tonglen and joy. I kind of understood the moderator's question about when you breathe in so much suffering, how do you avoid becoming so burdened or martyred by it? What I'm understanding about tonglen is that there's something kind of transformative about it, when you breathe in suffering and then you breathe out relief and healing. I keep thinking about that prayer of St. Francis of Assisi about being an instrument of peace, and where there is hatred, let me sow love, and where there is despair, let me sow hope. I'm wondering if joy has a place in the ability to make that transformation.
Alice Walker: I think the practice of tonglen is really revolutionary, because you're taking in what you usually push away with everything you've got, and then you're breathing out what you would rather keep. This is just amazing. I mean, it really shakes you up.
From http://www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/qa3a.php
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
SOLAR ECLIPSE OF THE CENTURY
Greetings Family of Light
I wanted to share another reminder about tomorrow's New Moon/Total Solar Eclipse: July 22 4:58pm pacific time, Blue Crystal Storm.
It is being called the Solar Eclipse of the Century!
As Daniel Giamario writes: " When determined by length (six minutes 39 seconds) and centrality (the umbra only 275 miles north of the center of the earth) the total solar eclipse of July 21 through July 22 is rightly called the Solar Eclipse of the Century. None will surpass it until 2114." We invite you all to join in and tune in and meditate during these 6 1/2 magical minutes!
This New Moon/Solar Eclipse also aligns with the "Vayeb" which is the purification cycle on the 13-Moon Calendar that always closes the last 5 days of the year. It always spans July 21-25, and it is the time to purify the old and close the year on as high of a vibrational note as possible, paving the way for the New Year cycle to begin on July 26th, Yellow Self-existing Seed.
Also, we wanted to share these new videos featuring Dr. Jose Arguelles. We hope that they might inspire you to join us in activating the Rainbow Bridge Meditation on the Day out of Time!
(They are also on our http://www.13moon.com website homepage)
PART 1:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AxevGjDogw
PART 2:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLPkN4kIp4w
Greetings Family of Light
I am sending a 2nd email out to clarify my last email -
the New Moon/Total Solar Eclipse is on Tues July 21, Blue Crystal Storm
To clarify, the partial eclipse begins at 4:58 PM pacific time
and the moment of greatest eclipse occurs at 7:35 PM pacific time,
so there is a whole window in which to cast our new moon prayers and intentions! Apparently normally a new moon impacts us for 2 weeks, but with the addition of the eclipse, its affects will ripple for about 6 months!
In UTC timezone:
Partial eclipse 23:58:18 (Jul 21)
Total eclipse 00:51:16 (Jul 22)
Central eclipse 00:54:31 (Jul 22)
Greatest eclipse 02:35:21 (Jul 22)
According to National Geographic, it may be the most viewed eclipse ever!
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2009/07/090720-solar-eclipse-july-22-missions.html
This alignment of the Sun and Moon can represent the connection between our Conscious and our Unconscious, as well as our Masculine/Yang and Feminine/Yin qualities. There is a link-up of people meditating starting at 7:35pm Pacific Time for the 6 1/2 minutes of totality, with the intention of balancing the Masculine and Feminine. Find out more at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAPN6t7ykgo
It is being called the Solar Eclipse of the Century!
As Daniel Giamario writes: " When determined by length (six minutes 39 seconds) and centrality (the umbra only 275 miles north of the center of the earth) the total solar eclipse of July 21 through July 22 is rightly called the Solar Eclipse of the Century. None will surpass it until 2114."
This New Moon/Solar Eclipse also aligns with the "Vayeb" which is the purification cycle on the 13-Moon Calendar that always closes the last 5 days of the year. It always spans July 21-25, and it is the time to purify the old and close the year on as high of a vibrational note as possible, paving the way for the New Year cycle to begin on July 26th, Yellow Self-existing Seed.
We'll see you in the magic!
Many Blessings!
In Lak'ech - I am Another Yourself
Eden Sky of SkyTime
http://www.13moon.com
TIME IS ART
Monday, July 13, 2009
EVY AND HEALING Part 2 (Part1 see June 16, 2009 )
Friends।
Again I am in Monterrey। I know many of you have been eagerly awaiting my update. I traveled back here to visit Dr. Garcia last week and again, my mind was blown away. A little under a month ago, I'd walked into his practice with my cane and walked out twirling it like a baton... OK, I've been told I exaggerate. I didn't lean on it as much... it wasn't twirling :) I walked out very cautiously but definitely WITHOUT pain.
You know, it is so easy as Westerners to disregard anything that we cannot readily prove or explain. It is no wonder that I waited as long as I did before deciding to take my health into my own hands. I've saved myself and my precious body from undergoing major surgery.Anyway, my appointment was short and to the point. Dr. Garcia said he loved the way I was healing and that I looked wonderful. He preformed his routine as he'd done 26 days prior. The only difference was that I had no basis for comparison. I've been pain free since and I have to stress OFF OF NARCOTICS. I have never felt better.
Doc mentioned that my metabolism had started to kick it up a notch and that I should see even more improvement as my body and liver react to their new state. Don't ask how he knew my liver was doing well. That is what he said and I believed him. I am hooked. I will be back here in August and as many times as he asks me to come back.
During my visit I asked that he treat both of my children for allergies. We'll see how they fare once sniffle season hits. Diego loved the "massage". He said he felt just as relaxed as he does when I massage him for bed. Mia couldn't stop talking about her visit the entire ride back to my parent's house. The doctor looked at her and asked if she was constipated (poor baby). Once he placed his hand on her belly, he asked if she had eaten a hotdog or a hamburger. Mia had become vegetarian about 7 or 8 weeks prior and decided to take a break while in Monterrey and eat meat. She had eaten both! I guess you can debate that the doctor saw a couple of "gringo" kids and assumed they ate hotdogs and hamburgers. Again, go ahead and debate... I'm sold!
Dr. Garcia is an orthopedic doctor. He used to preform surgeries in Houston back in the States. He did that for a long time and thought his track record sucked. He was causing bodies more harm than good. He reevaluated his career path and turned to his mother land for guidance. He is of Chinese decent so he traveled to China for 5 years and has combined techniques that have produced results like the ones I have experienced. He claims to be the only one in America ( American, the continents not the U.S. of A. ) to practice this method.I'll be traveling home in a day or two.
I'm homesick, my heart aches, and I'd love to sleep in my bed. I'm exhausted.
Love,Evy
P.S.I would like to apologize for omitting names from my last e-mail. I was excited and failed to publicly recognize those that were essential in my physical care and sanity in the days and months after I left the hospital.
If you are reading this e-mail, I deem you important and I appreciate you. My dear friends Raf, Suza, Luna, Blanca, Lois, and Ana... junto a mis padres, Cyn, y familia-- GRACIAS.
Again I am in Monterrey। I know many of you have been eagerly awaiting my update. I traveled back here to visit Dr. Garcia last week and again, my mind was blown away. A little under a month ago, I'd walked into his practice with my cane and walked out twirling it like a baton... OK, I've been told I exaggerate. I didn't lean on it as much... it wasn't twirling :) I walked out very cautiously but definitely WITHOUT pain.
You know, it is so easy as Westerners to disregard anything that we cannot readily prove or explain. It is no wonder that I waited as long as I did before deciding to take my health into my own hands. I've saved myself and my precious body from undergoing major surgery.Anyway, my appointment was short and to the point. Dr. Garcia said he loved the way I was healing and that I looked wonderful. He preformed his routine as he'd done 26 days prior. The only difference was that I had no basis for comparison. I've been pain free since and I have to stress OFF OF NARCOTICS. I have never felt better.
Doc mentioned that my metabolism had started to kick it up a notch and that I should see even more improvement as my body and liver react to their new state. Don't ask how he knew my liver was doing well. That is what he said and I believed him. I am hooked. I will be back here in August and as many times as he asks me to come back.
During my visit I asked that he treat both of my children for allergies. We'll see how they fare once sniffle season hits. Diego loved the "massage". He said he felt just as relaxed as he does when I massage him for bed. Mia couldn't stop talking about her visit the entire ride back to my parent's house. The doctor looked at her and asked if she was constipated (poor baby). Once he placed his hand on her belly, he asked if she had eaten a hotdog or a hamburger. Mia had become vegetarian about 7 or 8 weeks prior and decided to take a break while in Monterrey and eat meat. She had eaten both! I guess you can debate that the doctor saw a couple of "gringo" kids and assumed they ate hotdogs and hamburgers. Again, go ahead and debate... I'm sold!
Dr. Garcia is an orthopedic doctor. He used to preform surgeries in Houston back in the States. He did that for a long time and thought his track record sucked. He was causing bodies more harm than good. He reevaluated his career path and turned to his mother land for guidance. He is of Chinese decent so he traveled to China for 5 years and has combined techniques that have produced results like the ones I have experienced. He claims to be the only one in America ( American, the continents not the U.S. of A. ) to practice this method.I'll be traveling home in a day or two.
I'm homesick, my heart aches, and I'd love to sleep in my bed. I'm exhausted.
Love,Evy
P.S.I would like to apologize for omitting names from my last e-mail. I was excited and failed to publicly recognize those that were essential in my physical care and sanity in the days and months after I left the hospital.
If you are reading this e-mail, I deem you important and I appreciate you. My dear friends Raf, Suza, Luna, Blanca, Lois, and Ana... junto a mis padres, Cyn, y familia-- GRACIAS.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
FEAR lyrics by Jazmine Sullivan
I'm scared to try cuz I'm scared to fail
I'm scared to die cuz I'm scared of hell
I'm scared to kiss scared to hug
I'm scared of sex cuz I'm scared to touch
I'm scared to look cuz I'm scared to see
I'm scared of you cuz I'm scared of me
I'm scared to fly cuz I'm scared to crash
I'm scared to move on so I live in the past
I'm scared to fight cuz I'm scared to bleed
I'm scared of love cuz I'm scared he'll live
I'm scared of drugs I'm scared to drink
I'm scared to swim cuz I'm scared to sink
I'm scared to learn cuz I'm scared of truth
Don't wanna gain weight cuz I'm scared of food
I'm scared to think that the label dropped me
I'm scared to think of my album floppin
This may sound silly but it's true
So don't pretend it aint you too
We all afraid of something here
Cuz yu aint human with out fear
I'm scared to start cuz I'm scared
I'll quitI'm scared that people wont like my shit
I'm scared of fame and paparatzi
Rumors startin and people watching
Scared to grow up cuz I'm scared to grow old
Scared of the dark and being alone
I'm scared of war I'm scared of jail
Scared to share a secret cuz I'm scared you'll tell
This may sound silly but it's true
So don't pretend it aint you too
We all afraid of something here
Cuz yu aint human with out fear
See video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6Cfn9ZtpAw
I'm scared to die cuz I'm scared of hell
I'm scared to kiss scared to hug
I'm scared of sex cuz I'm scared to touch
I'm scared to look cuz I'm scared to see
I'm scared of you cuz I'm scared of me
I'm scared to fly cuz I'm scared to crash
I'm scared to move on so I live in the past
I'm scared to fight cuz I'm scared to bleed
I'm scared of love cuz I'm scared he'll live
I'm scared of drugs I'm scared to drink
I'm scared to swim cuz I'm scared to sink
I'm scared to learn cuz I'm scared of truth
Don't wanna gain weight cuz I'm scared of food
I'm scared to think that the label dropped me
I'm scared to think of my album floppin
This may sound silly but it's true
So don't pretend it aint you too
We all afraid of something here
Cuz yu aint human with out fear
I'm scared to start cuz I'm scared
I'll quitI'm scared that people wont like my shit
I'm scared of fame and paparatzi
Rumors startin and people watching
Scared to grow up cuz I'm scared to grow old
Scared of the dark and being alone
I'm scared of war I'm scared of jail
Scared to share a secret cuz I'm scared you'll tell
This may sound silly but it's true
So don't pretend it aint you too
We all afraid of something here
Cuz yu aint human with out fear
See video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6Cfn9ZtpAw
Friday, June 26, 2009
Revolutionary Artist
"The role of the revolutionary artist is to make revolution irresistible." —Toni Cade Bambara, Writer and activist
As an artist, writer and actvist, I am fascinated to hear artists talk about their art and what they were trying to express. Some people are artists for the attention or fame or ego rush. I was at an art show last night and I never thought Id be hanging out with local artists,the art world, or the fashion world. As a matter of fact, I poo poo the pretentiousness I usually find at these functions. And I hate most art. I want to be wowpowed. Im usually bored with most art or written word but at the same time I am always excited with all the good stuff I can get my hands or eyes on. And as for fashion, I like to be comfortable. I hated it when all the girls when i was coming of age, were into getting dressed up and into the latest fads. But nearing age 50 , I need and want to be polished. I have done some hard work on myself and I am proud of it. Its like polishing up the vintage sportscar that you personally restored. I am a work of art. Y I know it. Prince said cool was self respect. I am cool. I respect myself. No chingues.
I think all art should heal something either for the artist or the viewer/reader/listener. So in my opinion, an artist is a healer. Otherwise, its masturbation. Anybody can make something pretty but can your art move people to a more sacred space or peaceful state.
But really, all I see are people looking for the attention they never got enough of when they were little in their art. Some people just slap paint on the canvas and there is no thought or conciousness to it. they groove to their own ego. And what about truthtelling in art ? Are you doing an honest expression or copycatting?I hate copycats. What made sad about Mexico was when I saw Mexicans trying to be as American standard. Can we be original?
i have to struggle with my art. I fight the censors and doubt of myself. I feel my work is worthless but I know better. So I keep on and pick up the paintbrush even if it kills me to do it.I have bittersweet memories when I am creating.Then I am shocked what my new self has created. And I cant believe I did THAT!
The picture above is of my mama y grandma. I wasnt sure what would come out when I took this. I hadnt even realized they both had on pink. This photo makes me smile for some reason. I guess its because its what is so common to me-two Mexican ladies behind the wheel of a car in a big modern city-Dallas, isnt a sight we put much thought into even if youre Mexican yourself! And I like the bright ass pink and orange air freshner from the rearview mirror against the dull city color. I think the photo makes you wonder about the conversation between the two and the music on the radio. I dunno, but it makes me laugh that perhaps I have taken you to my world for once!
I think all art should heal something either for the artist or the viewer/reader/listener. So in my opinion, an artist is a healer. Otherwise, its masturbation. Anybody can make something pretty but can your art move people to a more sacred space or peaceful state.
But really, all I see are people looking for the attention they never got enough of when they were little in their art. Some people just slap paint on the canvas and there is no thought or conciousness to it. they groove to their own ego. And what about truthtelling in art ? Are you doing an honest expression or copycatting?I hate copycats. What made sad about Mexico was when I saw Mexicans trying to be as American standard. Can we be original?
i have to struggle with my art. I fight the censors and doubt of myself. I feel my work is worthless but I know better. So I keep on and pick up the paintbrush even if it kills me to do it.I have bittersweet memories when I am creating.Then I am shocked what my new self has created. And I cant believe I did THAT!
The picture above is of my mama y grandma. I wasnt sure what would come out when I took this. I hadnt even realized they both had on pink. This photo makes me smile for some reason. I guess its because its what is so common to me-two Mexican ladies behind the wheel of a car in a big modern city-Dallas, isnt a sight we put much thought into even if youre Mexican yourself! And I like the bright ass pink and orange air freshner from the rearview mirror against the dull city color. I think the photo makes you wonder about the conversation between the two and the music on the radio. I dunno, but it makes me laugh that perhaps I have taken you to my world for once!
These are my thoughts for right now. I am gonna put some recent pieces of my art that I have sold and talk about my process for each of them. All my art has a story.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Rescue the Word By Marilyn Buck
sacred words are in danger
fugitives, they seek cover
bury themselves alive
shamed by the profane
purposes they are forced to servedressed in lily-white lies
words are in danger
english only vows
to tear out tongues
exiled witnesses
to collective memory and homeland ties
sacred words are in danger
trapped, they hang on billboards
judas-goats to conjure deception
sing them shout them
teach themwear them
around your neck
amulets against amnesia
fugitives, they seek cover
bury themselves alive
shamed by the profane
purposes they are forced to servedressed in lily-white lies
words are in danger
english only vows
to tear out tongues
exiled witnesses
to collective memory and homeland ties
sacred words are in danger
trapped, they hang on billboards
judas-goats to conjure deception
sing them shout them
teach themwear them
around your neck
amulets against amnesia
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Evy and Healing
The following is from my friend, Evelyn Escamilla de Chicago via Tejas via Monterrey Mexico.I have been following Evy and talking to her for a few months about her back pain. When I was last in Tejas, we couldnt hook up for me to do some bodywork on her. I kept saying her problem was emotional and not to get the surgery. Her insurance didnt want to pay for it and I had told her a few months ago , there probably was a good reason why she hadnt gotten approved. Now after you read this, we all know why...
When I talked to her today, she was still processing everything.
I love going to Mexico and meeting traditional healers like Don Pedro, who does spine adjustments in the plaza de San Juan de los Lagos, Jalisco or Enriqueta Contreras, the partera de Oaxaca.
This is the kind of story that gives all of us hope and faith in something sacred that we all have lost and hope to find again.And this is hard to do in an industrial world.
Thanks Evy for being so open about your experience.
Friends.
I writing from Monterrey, Nuevo Leon, México. I have been here since Tuesday. I usually don't like to travel South in the Summer months because of the hellish heat one suffers from while visiting but this time, our trip had a purpose other that visiting family.
As many of you know, I've suffered terribly from a ruptured disc since April 21, 2008. I have put my body and pocket book through the ringer. I tried chiropractic to relieve my pain. I did acupuncture daily for the longest time to help as well. Heat therapy, Cold therapy, massage, spine decompression & inversion ( which helps by the way ), four nerve blocks in my spine, hundreds of ibuprofen, hydrocodone, and other nasty narcotics that have ruined my digestive system. I have tried prayer... yes... I know some of you are in shock.
I am a very spiritual woman. I do not practice any religion but believe in a power not easily defined.I reached the conclusion last August that I would like to undergo disc replacement surgery as offered by my medical team headed by my orthopedic surgeon. Disc replacement and fusion of my vertebrae were the two options. I was initially denied by my insurance company. I underwent the grueling, painstaking process of practicing patience for nine months while we appealed their decision three times.
The final decision came in May where Blue Cross Blue Shield denied for the last time stating that due to my age and the length of time disc replacement surgery had been around for, it was too risky. It was unsure how my body would react to the new disc and that there would be a possibility of further surgeries down the line. Arghhhhh! Mother Fu&*ers!So for almost 14 months, I have relied on my parents, on Cynthia, and my amazing girlfriends (you know who you are). It has been a humbling experience. I have learned to let go and let the pieces fall where they may. It has been difficult. I am a control freak and you all know that. I have learned to appreciate... truly appreciate the tiniest things. I have incredible children who I have learned are compassionate. They are appreciative, helpful, and generous. I am so very fortunate.Anyway, back to my trip.
I came to Monterrey because my youngest sister had mentioned a doctor/healer man a friend of her was seeing. My sister, her husband, and my mom have also visited Dr. Gabriel Garcia for various ailments. I heard all kinds of incredible stories of his healing power so I decided to come see him. I am very practical and the strictest of skeptics so my decision to see the shaman was due to my desperation. I decided to visit blindly. I did not research him nor his credentials online.I visited La Esperanza Friday morning. We walked into a waiting room. It was all pretty formal. We paid our fee and got a number, 8. There must have been 30 parties waiting. I watched as people paraded in and back out of the consultation rooms. There were two. Every person that walked out had an amazing smile on her/his face. It seemed that the visits were very short. Under 5 minutes.
My number was called and my mom went in with me. She wanted to make sure that the doctor knew that she had "finally" brought me in to see him. He asked what was wrong. I told him I had ruptured a disc over a year ago. He asked me to stand and said "don't you dare let anyone operate on your back, you will not be fine". He began to rub my head, stroking. It was not a massage, he was barely touching my hair. He was speaking very softly as if reassuring himself almost in prayer that I was fine and that everything was going to be fine. He moved his hands to my neck and stopped. He said, "I see your problem between L4 and L5". My eyes had been closed up until this point. I was in shock. Not even my mom knew the details of the location of my disc rupture. She could not have mentioned it to him before. I was speechless.
He asked me to rest on the stretcher face down. I did. My mom was watching the entire time. He began to tell me how I was fine and how he was fixing my disc. He was passing his hands over my back on each side of my spine up and down. He touched every vertebrae softly. I could feel his touch. I could feel his energy run through my back. There was a point where I stopped feeling tense and let go. As he continued, he came to the point of my ruptured disc. Mind you that neither my chiropractor, massage therapist, nor orthopedic surgeon had been able to place their hands on that spot with out me screaming in pain. He touched the area. I assume it was barely, it must have been his energy because I felt no pressure at all. He counted 1,2, 3 and tapped it very very lightly. I felt that.
The entire time he worked on my back, my mom said that he became increasingly agitated. He broke out in a sweat. Mom had visited him various times before and taken other family members. She had never seen him like that.
Anyway, as he said 3, I felt something. It was very hard to describe. I felt a difference. I felt pain free. He ordered me to get up. I could not. I was in shock. I could not believe I even remembered what it was like to feel painless. I broke down and cried. It took me a whole minute to get up. I still could not believe I did not feel pain. Even my meds had not put me in that state.I got up crying. In complete awe. I shook his hand and he said I could hug him. I did.
He asked why I had not come sooner. I told him I could not make the drive once I decided to see him. He said that it was no excuse, that he had been waiting for me. He said he would've sent a chauffeur to get me. I walked out.
Mia and Diego were anxious to know if he had "fixed" me. It told them that I felt very comfortable. I was not sure what he had done but I thought that it had helped tremendously. They were ecstatic. I felt so much peace my friends. I can't describe the state I was in. I think it was peace.
I wasn't sure I could drive home. I was taking inventory of my feelings. Once we did make it home, I must have slept for two hours. I don't usually nap unless it is a med nap :) I felt so good. I had a wonderful day on Friday. I went to bed in this hellish heat complaining about nothing more than that... the heat. My back was fine.I woke up a little achey. My aches went away by noon. It has been over 24 hours and I feel fine. I feel great. I walked out of there without my cane and am walking around cane free.
I am heading home in the next couple of days. I need to get back here to Monterrey in the next week or so for a follow visit with the doctor.
If you have read this far, thank you. I thought it was important to share with you how amazingly well I feel right now. I love you and send you some of this great energy.
Evy
When I talked to her today, she was still processing everything.
I love going to Mexico and meeting traditional healers like Don Pedro, who does spine adjustments in the plaza de San Juan de los Lagos, Jalisco or Enriqueta Contreras, the partera de Oaxaca.
This is the kind of story that gives all of us hope and faith in something sacred that we all have lost and hope to find again.And this is hard to do in an industrial world.
Thanks Evy for being so open about your experience.
Friends.
I writing from Monterrey, Nuevo Leon, México. I have been here since Tuesday. I usually don't like to travel South in the Summer months because of the hellish heat one suffers from while visiting but this time, our trip had a purpose other that visiting family.
As many of you know, I've suffered terribly from a ruptured disc since April 21, 2008. I have put my body and pocket book through the ringer. I tried chiropractic to relieve my pain. I did acupuncture daily for the longest time to help as well. Heat therapy, Cold therapy, massage, spine decompression & inversion ( which helps by the way ), four nerve blocks in my spine, hundreds of ibuprofen, hydrocodone, and other nasty narcotics that have ruined my digestive system. I have tried prayer... yes... I know some of you are in shock.
I am a very spiritual woman. I do not practice any religion but believe in a power not easily defined.I reached the conclusion last August that I would like to undergo disc replacement surgery as offered by my medical team headed by my orthopedic surgeon. Disc replacement and fusion of my vertebrae were the two options. I was initially denied by my insurance company. I underwent the grueling, painstaking process of practicing patience for nine months while we appealed their decision three times.
The final decision came in May where Blue Cross Blue Shield denied for the last time stating that due to my age and the length of time disc replacement surgery had been around for, it was too risky. It was unsure how my body would react to the new disc and that there would be a possibility of further surgeries down the line. Arghhhhh! Mother Fu&*ers!So for almost 14 months, I have relied on my parents, on Cynthia, and my amazing girlfriends (you know who you are). It has been a humbling experience. I have learned to let go and let the pieces fall where they may. It has been difficult. I am a control freak and you all know that. I have learned to appreciate... truly appreciate the tiniest things. I have incredible children who I have learned are compassionate. They are appreciative, helpful, and generous. I am so very fortunate.Anyway, back to my trip.
I came to Monterrey because my youngest sister had mentioned a doctor/healer man a friend of her was seeing. My sister, her husband, and my mom have also visited Dr. Gabriel Garcia for various ailments. I heard all kinds of incredible stories of his healing power so I decided to come see him. I am very practical and the strictest of skeptics so my decision to see the shaman was due to my desperation. I decided to visit blindly. I did not research him nor his credentials online.I visited La Esperanza Friday morning. We walked into a waiting room. It was all pretty formal. We paid our fee and got a number, 8. There must have been 30 parties waiting. I watched as people paraded in and back out of the consultation rooms. There were two. Every person that walked out had an amazing smile on her/his face. It seemed that the visits were very short. Under 5 minutes.
My number was called and my mom went in with me. She wanted to make sure that the doctor knew that she had "finally" brought me in to see him. He asked what was wrong. I told him I had ruptured a disc over a year ago. He asked me to stand and said "don't you dare let anyone operate on your back, you will not be fine". He began to rub my head, stroking. It was not a massage, he was barely touching my hair. He was speaking very softly as if reassuring himself almost in prayer that I was fine and that everything was going to be fine. He moved his hands to my neck and stopped. He said, "I see your problem between L4 and L5". My eyes had been closed up until this point. I was in shock. Not even my mom knew the details of the location of my disc rupture. She could not have mentioned it to him before. I was speechless.
He asked me to rest on the stretcher face down. I did. My mom was watching the entire time. He began to tell me how I was fine and how he was fixing my disc. He was passing his hands over my back on each side of my spine up and down. He touched every vertebrae softly. I could feel his touch. I could feel his energy run through my back. There was a point where I stopped feeling tense and let go. As he continued, he came to the point of my ruptured disc. Mind you that neither my chiropractor, massage therapist, nor orthopedic surgeon had been able to place their hands on that spot with out me screaming in pain. He touched the area. I assume it was barely, it must have been his energy because I felt no pressure at all. He counted 1,2, 3 and tapped it very very lightly. I felt that.
The entire time he worked on my back, my mom said that he became increasingly agitated. He broke out in a sweat. Mom had visited him various times before and taken other family members. She had never seen him like that.
Anyway, as he said 3, I felt something. It was very hard to describe. I felt a difference. I felt pain free. He ordered me to get up. I could not. I was in shock. I could not believe I even remembered what it was like to feel painless. I broke down and cried. It took me a whole minute to get up. I still could not believe I did not feel pain. Even my meds had not put me in that state.I got up crying. In complete awe. I shook his hand and he said I could hug him. I did.
He asked why I had not come sooner. I told him I could not make the drive once I decided to see him. He said that it was no excuse, that he had been waiting for me. He said he would've sent a chauffeur to get me. I walked out.
Mia and Diego were anxious to know if he had "fixed" me. It told them that I felt very comfortable. I was not sure what he had done but I thought that it had helped tremendously. They were ecstatic. I felt so much peace my friends. I can't describe the state I was in. I think it was peace.
I wasn't sure I could drive home. I was taking inventory of my feelings. Once we did make it home, I must have slept for two hours. I don't usually nap unless it is a med nap :) I felt so good. I had a wonderful day on Friday. I went to bed in this hellish heat complaining about nothing more than that... the heat. My back was fine.I woke up a little achey. My aches went away by noon. It has been over 24 hours and I feel fine. I feel great. I walked out of there without my cane and am walking around cane free.
I am heading home in the next couple of days. I need to get back here to Monterrey in the next week or so for a follow visit with the doctor.
If you have read this far, thank you. I thought it was important to share with you how amazingly well I feel right now. I love you and send you some of this great energy.
Evy
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Cielo Rojo ( Red Sky) -Lila Downs
Red Sky over Alburquerque photo by Maggie Price
CHECK THIS OUT
I thought I would post these lyrics because I have been thinking about women's passion and desire a lot.My art work is expressing that more. What I like about this song is that it has two women singing to each other. about their love and forgiveness-longing. Maybe its menopause that has made me enjoy taste or sounds more intensely. I breathe much more deeply.I love bigger better.Maybe its that I broke open and not mended shut. Still voy caminando..pero donde?..Does it really matter when you are in the present time?
Sola
Sin tu cariño
Voy caminando
Voy caminando
Y no sé qué hacer
Ni el cielo me contesta cuando pregunto por tí, mujer.
Mientras yo estoy dormido
Siento que vamos
Los dos muy juntos
A un cielo azúl
Pero cuando despierto- el cielo rojo
Me faltas tú.
Deja que yo te busque y si te encuentro
Y si te encuentro
Vuelve otra vez
Olvida lo pasado
Ya no te acuerdes de aquel ayer
Olvida lo pasado
Ya no te acuerdes de aquel ayer.
Sin tu cariño
Voy caminando
Voy caminando
Y no sé qué hacer
Ni el cielo me contesta cuando pregunto por tí, mujer.
Mientras yo estoy dormido
Siento que vamos
Los dos muy juntos
A un cielo azúl
Pero cuando despierto- el cielo rojo
Me faltas tú.
Deja que yo te busque y si te encuentro
Y si te encuentro
Vuelve otra vez
Olvida lo pasado
Ya no te acuerdes de aquel ayer
Olvida lo pasado
Ya no te acuerdes de aquel ayer.
MY ENGLISH TRANSLATION
All by myself
Without your love I go walking
I go walking
And I do not know what to do
and the sky wont answer me when I ask for you, woman.
While I'm asleep I feel that the two of us are beside each other
in a blue sky
But when I awake, the sky is red.
I miss you.
Let me find you and if I encounter you
And if you encounter me again,
Forget the past
And lets not remember yesterday.
Forget the past
And lets not remember yesterday.
All by myself
Without your love I go walking
I go walking
And I do not know what to do
and the sky wont answer me when I ask for you, woman.
While I'm asleep I feel that the two of us are beside each other
in a blue sky
But when I awake, the sky is red.
I miss you.
Let me find you and if I encounter you
And if you encounter me again,
Forget the past
And lets not remember yesterday.
Forget the past
And lets not remember yesterday.
Monday, June 1, 2009
CRYSTAL MOON OF COOPERATION
Greetings Family of Light
Today, Crystal 1, May 30th, 2009 is Blue Crystal Hand.On December 21, 2012, the completion of the 5,125 year cycle of the Ancient Maya, it will also be Blue Crystal Hand.On the Buddhist calendar, today also marks Buddha Shakyamuni's Birthday.
I wanted to send a very quick note out to invite you all to be aware of this and to use today to imprint the most positive energy and vision possible, for right NOW and for the continued unfolding of our nows as we keep spiralling together through the shifting of World Ages...Tomorrow, Crystal 2, May 31, Yellow Cosmic Star, will mark exactly 1300 days left as we collectively journey through The "Closing of the Cycle."
I send unspeakable love to you all, from the heart of my heart.Thank you, deeply, for the work you are all doing in your inner and outer lives to refine and purify yourself as together we keep growing into the shining light of our Truest Nature.
May we all keep looking to our heart as our deepest source of guidance of how to navigate these days and these moments...And of course, as of today, we have entered the CRYSTAL MOON OF COOPERATION.MOON 12 always correlates to May 30 - June 26.This 28-day cycle is also encoded with the focus of: DEDICATION and UNIVERSALIZING.
Now that we have liberated and released in the previous 28-day Spectal Moon which we just completed, it is now time to allow everything to come together into a HIGHER ORDER!In this process, let us learn in a whole new way what it means to cooperate, not only with each other and the many elements of our lives, but also with our own higher selves so that as much as possible, inside ourselves, we can know we are working to come into our highest alignment.The more things come into a higher order, the more "shareable" they are.
This Crystal Moon also embodies the power of the CIRCLE in which all kin hold equal place and power. This is why people in 90 countries have "Crystal Day Round-tables" every 13 days when this tone comes around. It's also because Tone 12, Crystal, is also about reviewing the past and taking stock of where we are at and where we are going.
And of course, last but not least, let us contemplate the code "CRYSTAL" and see what insights and clues that may have for us...And of course, today, Blue Crystal Hand is called a "Magic turtle day" because the tone of the day and the tone of the month match - it is a DOUBLE CRYSTAL DAY!
I'll see you in the one heart as we keep unfolding and flowering together!
In Lak'ech - I am Another Yourself,Eden Sky, Red Self-Existing Skywalker
http://www.13moon.com/
TIME IS ART!
PS: On Crystal 27, June 25, 2009 Red Crystal Skywalker, I will giving a talk entitled "2012: The Mystery of The Maya" here in my hometown of Portland, Oregon. If any of you are in the area, please join me!
Here is the link:http://www.newrenbooks.com/events/june_reg.html#sky
Today, Crystal 1, May 30th, 2009 is Blue Crystal Hand.On December 21, 2012, the completion of the 5,125 year cycle of the Ancient Maya, it will also be Blue Crystal Hand.On the Buddhist calendar, today also marks Buddha Shakyamuni's Birthday.
I wanted to send a very quick note out to invite you all to be aware of this and to use today to imprint the most positive energy and vision possible, for right NOW and for the continued unfolding of our nows as we keep spiralling together through the shifting of World Ages...Tomorrow, Crystal 2, May 31, Yellow Cosmic Star, will mark exactly 1300 days left as we collectively journey through The "Closing of the Cycle."
I send unspeakable love to you all, from the heart of my heart.Thank you, deeply, for the work you are all doing in your inner and outer lives to refine and purify yourself as together we keep growing into the shining light of our Truest Nature.
May we all keep looking to our heart as our deepest source of guidance of how to navigate these days and these moments...And of course, as of today, we have entered the CRYSTAL MOON OF COOPERATION.MOON 12 always correlates to May 30 - June 26.This 28-day cycle is also encoded with the focus of: DEDICATION and UNIVERSALIZING.
Now that we have liberated and released in the previous 28-day Spectal Moon which we just completed, it is now time to allow everything to come together into a HIGHER ORDER!In this process, let us learn in a whole new way what it means to cooperate, not only with each other and the many elements of our lives, but also with our own higher selves so that as much as possible, inside ourselves, we can know we are working to come into our highest alignment.The more things come into a higher order, the more "shareable" they are.
This Crystal Moon also embodies the power of the CIRCLE in which all kin hold equal place and power. This is why people in 90 countries have "Crystal Day Round-tables" every 13 days when this tone comes around. It's also because Tone 12, Crystal, is also about reviewing the past and taking stock of where we are at and where we are going.
And of course, last but not least, let us contemplate the code "CRYSTAL" and see what insights and clues that may have for us...And of course, today, Blue Crystal Hand is called a "Magic turtle day" because the tone of the day and the tone of the month match - it is a DOUBLE CRYSTAL DAY!
I'll see you in the one heart as we keep unfolding and flowering together!
In Lak'ech - I am Another Yourself,Eden Sky, Red Self-Existing Skywalker
http://www.13moon.com/
TIME IS ART!
PS: On Crystal 27, June 25, 2009 Red Crystal Skywalker, I will giving a talk entitled "2012: The Mystery of The Maya" here in my hometown of Portland, Oregon. If any of you are in the area, please join me!
Here is the link:http://www.newrenbooks.com/events/june_reg.html#sky
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Letter to Anel Flores, El mundo Zurdo Art exhibit y la vida de Gloria Anzaldua
The last time I saw Gloria was in November at Esperanza, 6 months before she died. We went out and talked awhile, and she was on her way in a few days to el Valle. I talked to her about being a curandera and my work, writing , art, metaphysical and spiritual adventures and tales, and she finally had agreed to meet me sometime, in the next few days, so I could work on her body. This was major decision for Gloria because she had issues about touch. So it was about trust, tu sabes ? And she told me she was worried about her health. We couldnt get connected because of phone issues. So the next few month, she had emailed me several times, and a special email for my birthday. She always remembered. I took this for granted. death has a way of making us more grateful.And we got busy y then sass! I get a call from Randy Conner. And then Kit Quan. My first thought was who would take care of me now. She took care of me.
Gloria wasnt tight with too many people. But we were family and this is what has been quite painful. The 3 of us are messed up about her STILL. I dont know about Kit, but I can speak about me and Randy. There is a place we cant even begin to explain how us queers can speak about our love deeper than blood family but still a family. We had a life together.And oppression has made our family invisible.And we made history and paved roads with her. I talked to Randy last week and he said he didnt know if he could speak as a white man on the subject about her work and life. I said Randy, she called you regualrly for 30 something years to listen to her ideas, inspiration,doubts, grief and joy. She didnt do that with just anybody and yeah I had to listen to who she was upset with, and her joys and hurt too. And yeah she got mad at me too and Im sure I frustrated her, but she loved us and relied on us. we were family.
I have no words but just stories to convey how mind boggling it is to have spent so much time and the intimacy I had with her esp when she writing Borderlands. Smoking cigaretes, eating food, eating M&Ms,and sitting down talking tejana dyke borderland stuff and theory not just queer stuff but about Raza and sexaulity etc. And add in while she was in her ultimate Coalicue state.She didnt sleep for days while she wrote Borderlands.
Y there I was a young Tejana dyke hearing her ideas and telling her my ideas.She never treated me like I was young, but her equal.
Im 49 years old now, I am a butch woman and proud of it. But more than that I hope to reclaim the power of our mestiza india spirituality and sexuality. I am deeply blessed to have had the time I had with her.
And she speaks to me in dreams and other ways. And all I know is she wants me to be me and to quit being all shy and quiet. Randy and I are still close to her in other dimensions and how do we speak of such things even with our joteria? We are still in grief and in isolation. He and I cling to each other and are bonded not just in grief but we still have each other. What a glorious time we had with her! but we were just like you doing our work for love and for all of us. We were just rying to do what was right even without the support of anybody. It was just us. We wrote and painted for us sometimes just the 3 of us.
We are and have always been ahead of our time. But its time for us the elders esp the queer ones that are left, and there isnt many, to be our most powerful selves.The show and the love and work you have put into it is VERY important and you may not realize it. So let me say this:
We were NEVER supposed to find each other.
There are jotos out there that cant find each other still. We think we are the only ones and isolated-solitos.And work like this art show makes us more visible to each other and ourselves authentically and that is more huge than you may ever know. Its history. It make us all clear and more honest. It makes raza think about itself in our own eyes not the colonizers. It raises our self esteem. It heals and builds community.
Thank you for you work .
Y thank you Gloria.
Inalakech
Gloria wasnt tight with too many people. But we were family and this is what has been quite painful. The 3 of us are messed up about her STILL. I dont know about Kit, but I can speak about me and Randy. There is a place we cant even begin to explain how us queers can speak about our love deeper than blood family but still a family. We had a life together.And oppression has made our family invisible.And we made history and paved roads with her. I talked to Randy last week and he said he didnt know if he could speak as a white man on the subject about her work and life. I said Randy, she called you regualrly for 30 something years to listen to her ideas, inspiration,doubts, grief and joy. She didnt do that with just anybody and yeah I had to listen to who she was upset with, and her joys and hurt too. And yeah she got mad at me too and Im sure I frustrated her, but she loved us and relied on us. we were family.
I have no words but just stories to convey how mind boggling it is to have spent so much time and the intimacy I had with her esp when she writing Borderlands. Smoking cigaretes, eating food, eating M&Ms,and sitting down talking tejana dyke borderland stuff and theory not just queer stuff but about Raza and sexaulity etc. And add in while she was in her ultimate Coalicue state.She didnt sleep for days while she wrote Borderlands.
Y there I was a young Tejana dyke hearing her ideas and telling her my ideas.She never treated me like I was young, but her equal.
Im 49 years old now, I am a butch woman and proud of it. But more than that I hope to reclaim the power of our mestiza india spirituality and sexuality. I am deeply blessed to have had the time I had with her.
And she speaks to me in dreams and other ways. And all I know is she wants me to be me and to quit being all shy and quiet. Randy and I are still close to her in other dimensions and how do we speak of such things even with our joteria? We are still in grief and in isolation. He and I cling to each other and are bonded not just in grief but we still have each other. What a glorious time we had with her! but we were just like you doing our work for love and for all of us. We were just rying to do what was right even without the support of anybody. It was just us. We wrote and painted for us sometimes just the 3 of us.
We are and have always been ahead of our time. But its time for us the elders esp the queer ones that are left, and there isnt many, to be our most powerful selves.The show and the love and work you have put into it is VERY important and you may not realize it. So let me say this:
We were NEVER supposed to find each other.
There are jotos out there that cant find each other still. We think we are the only ones and isolated-solitos.And work like this art show makes us more visible to each other and ourselves authentically and that is more huge than you may ever know. Its history. It make us all clear and more honest. It makes raza think about itself in our own eyes not the colonizers. It raises our self esteem. It heals and builds community.
Thank you for you work .
Y thank you Gloria.
Inalakech
Monday, April 6, 2009
Grace and Gratefulness
Thursday, December 11, 2008
I think my friends see me as a serious mofo with a little silliness. So I begin with just this rambling about Grace....graciousness...grace. There are gifts and there is Grace. Grace is a beyond a gift. I tell my beloved that finding each other is a Grace. Everybody deserves to be loved and we are all our loved but finding community and people who are extraordinary doing the extraordinary is Grace. Most of us are struggling with the mundane..settling ..coping..tolerating...but to find a real heart love connection with people is Grace. We settle for aquaintances and think its friendship. Suzanne Pharr, at a recent workshop here in Arkansas last month, said that she felt like there are people in our communities that say they will show up at the march or vote this way or that way and feel this is a way to support causes and solidarity, but that there was much more depth that was needed than this.We are are needing and wanting something deeper. Grace is something deeper than a gift.Its not necessarily an action but an action with an heartful thought full depth of attention and intention. And its given without getting something back. Grace is a gift we dont deserve but we got it anyway. Grace is a crown we wear when we love evertyhing and everybody without fear. WITH OUT FEAR
Im just rambling..Ah, the holidaze...Im loving it...Last night, it was freezing and the Christmas lights are lit all colorful at the hospital where I met w Carl (Carlitos aka Medicine Man). We worked on healing his body. He told his temperture readings and did his Virgo statistics. I said Carl its snowing in South Texas numbers mean nothing...these are dangerous times and time of the impossible to be made possible.We are magic baby.
Overjoyed is all I felt and a gratefulness from him and me.Overjoyed. Can life be better than this? I love my life and work .recieve recieve recieve
This morning,Carlitos and I talked of fear and the joy we have for our beloved and our own selves.
We will lose many this season this time of danger.I am thinking about my family. friends keep asking me about my family and how I am with doing with losing 7 members of the most precious in Chihuahua, Mexico over Thanksgiving. I had to tell my 7 year old nephew amids my own shock. Did I tell him right?
I tell them I have been in shock and I broke down and wept after my brother told me about losing the grandchildren. All he could say was he didnt know what to do. I said all you can do is grieve. I wept as I saw the seven coffins and said my prayers as the marichi music y rancheras were being sung by the 500 or more Mejicanos familia and friends. What more else can we all do?
My mother said its too much tragedy. She said as she held back so much feeling, I cant handle it. I ask myslef how much tragedy and loss can a person handle? I worked on the survivors body-my sister in law. She recounts to everyone the grief, the horror of her grandbabies holding on to her, she shows us the claw marks from her granddaughter trying to hold on to her before the water swept her away from her.The last thing she sees is her granddaughters eyes. She is forever changed. My family is forever changed.
We are forever more grateful of each other and the beloved we have. We seemed to have lost what was really important and my family found it again. Not one of us was left untouched. Grace.
Our hearts are now wide open and we are always vulnerable.Grief if we choose or are forced to go thru it...let it transform us...is a blessing.
As people ask me, I thaw out of my numbness. I see they too are touched and they never even met them. Its as if the seven that died touched everyone and made us all more grateful.
Made us Grace
I think my friends see me as a serious mofo with a little silliness. So I begin with just this rambling about Grace....graciousness...grace. There are gifts and there is Grace. Grace is a beyond a gift. I tell my beloved that finding each other is a Grace. Everybody deserves to be loved and we are all our loved but finding community and people who are extraordinary doing the extraordinary is Grace. Most of us are struggling with the mundane..settling ..coping..tolerating...but to find a real heart love connection with people is Grace. We settle for aquaintances and think its friendship. Suzanne Pharr, at a recent workshop here in Arkansas last month, said that she felt like there are people in our communities that say they will show up at the march or vote this way or that way and feel this is a way to support causes and solidarity, but that there was much more depth that was needed than this.We are are needing and wanting something deeper. Grace is something deeper than a gift.Its not necessarily an action but an action with an heartful thought full depth of attention and intention. And its given without getting something back. Grace is a gift we dont deserve but we got it anyway. Grace is a crown we wear when we love evertyhing and everybody without fear. WITH OUT FEAR
Im just rambling..Ah, the holidaze...Im loving it...Last night, it was freezing and the Christmas lights are lit all colorful at the hospital where I met w Carl (Carlitos aka Medicine Man). We worked on healing his body. He told his temperture readings and did his Virgo statistics. I said Carl its snowing in South Texas numbers mean nothing...these are dangerous times and time of the impossible to be made possible.We are magic baby.
Overjoyed is all I felt and a gratefulness from him and me.Overjoyed. Can life be better than this? I love my life and work .recieve recieve recieve
This morning,Carlitos and I talked of fear and the joy we have for our beloved and our own selves.
We will lose many this season this time of danger.I am thinking about my family. friends keep asking me about my family and how I am with doing with losing 7 members of the most precious in Chihuahua, Mexico over Thanksgiving. I had to tell my 7 year old nephew amids my own shock. Did I tell him right?
I tell them I have been in shock and I broke down and wept after my brother told me about losing the grandchildren. All he could say was he didnt know what to do. I said all you can do is grieve. I wept as I saw the seven coffins and said my prayers as the marichi music y rancheras were being sung by the 500 or more Mejicanos familia and friends. What more else can we all do?
My mother said its too much tragedy. She said as she held back so much feeling, I cant handle it. I ask myslef how much tragedy and loss can a person handle? I worked on the survivors body-my sister in law. She recounts to everyone the grief, the horror of her grandbabies holding on to her, she shows us the claw marks from her granddaughter trying to hold on to her before the water swept her away from her.The last thing she sees is her granddaughters eyes. She is forever changed. My family is forever changed.
We are forever more grateful of each other and the beloved we have. We seemed to have lost what was really important and my family found it again. Not one of us was left untouched. Grace.
Our hearts are now wide open and we are always vulnerable.Grief if we choose or are forced to go thru it...let it transform us...is a blessing.
As people ask me, I thaw out of my numbness. I see they too are touched and they never even met them. Its as if the seven that died touched everyone and made us all more grateful.
Made us Grace
I had to tell her how much it hurt me when she was shooting up soda
I thanked her and told her how I fell in love with her because she was honest the first time she disappeared for a weekend. She cried as she told me she was no good for me. She had a problem. She showed me her tracks and said she had shot soda (cocaine) all weekend. She was being real. She told me the ugly truth. She gave me at least, that. That was more than my father ever could say to me about his drinking. It was always some other reason why he didn’t come thru for his children.
I told her I had never given up on her and how much I cried and how much I prayed for her. I even went to see El Nino de Atocha two times when things were at the worst and so painful. On each pilgrimage, I always left a written petition on the walls and I prayed everyday for her to get her soul back. I just didn’t want her to die from an overdose. I cried a lot for that woman. I didn’t tell her this in an ugly way. I wasn’t even angry about it, but I needed her to know the hell it was for me, for her, for both us. I needed her to acknowledge that she knew what happened to me and that she understood how much it hurt me. It had been almost ten years and she didn’t want to hear it. But we couldn’t go on any further with me being the scapegoat and her feeling shame and guilt. After all these years, can we just go on and hurry up and heal this ?
She was angry ,at first, that I had thrown her “shit” back at her along with a “why couldn’t I let it go?” I knew she wanted to really scream at me , “Why did you have to bring this up!!!!”
I just wanted to her to know how much I value honesty now more than I ever. There is no peace until there is some honesty. I was ready to say adios. But she kept calling me and calling. And I kept ignoring it until I finally was ready to see what the hell she wanted. After all she had the courage or coraje at least to call me back and talk about it. Maybe she was now done with running and had nothing to lose? But she broke thru the hopelessness enough to revisit it again with me. I was surprised.
I am at a point in my life that I don’t care to give my attention to anyone who avoids or ignores healing. I accept people want to live their lives and whatever they want to exist on their way. Let them, but I refuse to pretend and live lies with them. I never wanted to change anybody. Never could. Never will. But changing someone is healing. And if they want a healing, I try to help. I am a healer. And we all are in need of healing and capable of healing others too. But first, I had to let her give me her rage.
I kept saying to her in between her venting that I didn’t say this to hurt her. I said , “All I was doing or trying to do was thank you for being honest. Without it, we have nothing. We can’t even be friends. It’s almost ten years now”
I am so sick of game, lies, and above all pretense. You know? Fake it as a way of making it? I got enough people that use me all while the whole time they say they love and care about me. Being loved and being used are two different things. And I’m done with that.
I told her I wanted more from people. It’s so common for people that they don’t even know they are faking it. It’s automatic. And then they wonder why they are depressed? Try on, it’s because you’re not dealing with your shit? And that not dealing with feelings is what’s making you depressed. Your past is still gonna come up in other ways anyway. And you are just faking it or pretending it away somehow someway. Some of us know you are suffering, living a double life, put on your happy face and plastic smile. But you have lived all your life this way that don’t even know it.
My friend, Luna was watching the movie later that evening, “Sicko” and as I was telling her my story, she said, “Yeah, in this country, we don’t protest, we don’t march, we just go numb. We check out.” Some of us say, we got God or our spirituality. But daily, people are depressed and in pain. They suffer. They are lonely. They go silent. They keep it to themselves all by themselves.
Now I am not being judgmental and think I am better than everybody else. All I am doing is naming it. I get told I am judgmental because bringing up where it still hurts is painful. I wasn’t trying to force her to deal with anything. All I was doing was thanking her and I wanted more depth to our relationship. If we can’t lay down our burden and joy to our beloved than what kind of relationship do we have anyway? It’s not home.
I was thinking about how when we left daddy. Mama decided she was done with daddy’s drinking and cruelty. Mama was gonna drop us off to school that morning. The five of us were between 7-15 years old. We had our schoolbooks in our laps and the clothes on our back, that is all and we left.. Boom! Gone. We had to.
There was no protest from us just shock and a relief at the same time.Things had gotten bad at home and were getting worse. We never went back to the house and we never saw our things again. But I did watch my mama make it on her own. She took a stand to never put up with cruelty. I learned there are limits. Sorry to say, me, my sisters and brothers still had issues with thinking cruelty with love in relationships and with issues with trust. It took a long time to heal this in my family. But again, it took some truthtelling and courage to heal. It started with two of us dealing with our anger and addictions honestly. Can one grow up in the barrio and escape addiction? Yes, we can recover.
I asked my brothers and sisters what happened to our things. What did Daddy do with our things? My sister said an aunt of ours had them and what was left was unknown because her house had flooded. She asked me what did I want or what was I looking for? I said, “Everything.” My brother and I talked about it. And he said what were you hoping to find. I said , I dunno…maybe some memory of who I was that is lost? A piece of me that I need to be healed from or a strength I had forgotten about me ? Some part of me that needs to get healed because it still hurts? Maybe its just a place that I just need to visit again because I don’t want to go there?” Bro basically said, “Damn.”
I am not a possessive person. Nor am I bitter and want to seek justice, revenge or whatever. I am not even sure getting our things back is even necessary for my healing. It’s just that it wasn’t right that we never saw our things again. We were poor and what we owned wasn’t worth much. But what we had was ours. And it wasn’t right. It was a violation of some sort. You know like people looking at your things and touching them, and doing what they want with them without your consent. I am sure it was difficult for daddy’s side of the family to deal with us and left the responsibility to my father. And I’m sure it may have hurt him a lot to tell us nothing was left or this is all that is left.
Why wasn’t there an attempt to have our things returned? Maybe they just didn’t know how to deal with it? Was it the pain we all would have had to have felt? What are we trying to protect ourselves now as adults? Does it still hurt? Daddy eventually did get sober and now is no longer with us. But it still hurts.
It didn’t have to be that way.
None of it had to be that way.
The whole thing was shocking before, during, and after.
But we have done a lot of healing in my family. I learned freedom and peace comes from truthtelling.
Look, I don’t want to tell you my ugly story either.
Do you think this is easy for me to tell you?
But I have to… because I want to connect my journey with your journey.
See, we are connected. Maybe then we can all join paths and I will have more companions on the good red road. But so will you.
A coworker had come to my office and was talking about how she was trying to teach her daughter about money. And that her daughter loves to get quarters to get a prize in what I call THE CLAW.
It’s a machine that when you pay your quarter, you place your claw above the prize you want and a mechanical claw drops down fast to grab your prize. Most of the time, THE CLAW touches the prize and it comes up with nothing Its supposed to be about skill but it really isn’t. It’s an illusion and rigged to make money. They call it recreation. They lie. It’s about making money. But it’s whatever ounce of our hopefulness that gets us to try the game in the first place. And when you are young, you have a lot more hopefulness and don’t understand fully about dishonesty. Then you get disappointed by THE CLAW and other forms of lying.
I remembered how my godchild, Niko used to have a meltdown when he didn’t get a prize in THE CLAW. It was major meltdown. Talk about disappointment! He is a Leo and hates to lose anyway. He was addicted to the game. Luna used to say that it would never fail that he would have a major cry and tantrum after playing the game,
She had several options on what to do for him afterwards. 1. Make fun of him and tell to just get over it and that is just what life is-you win and you lose, 2. Whip him and tell him to shut up, 3. Ignore him, he will figure it later in life, 4.Let him talk, cry, kick, and scream his frustration and disappointment. Luna, of course, would have never done the first three options.
So, after about four quarters and not winning a prize, and her telling him she didn’t have any more quarters, all the crying and hurt came out of him. Disappointment.
With as much patience as she could (she gets tired), she gave him attention and told him the game was a setup. She said it in words he could understand, but he was beyond listening. He was deep into his emotions at that point. So she picked him up as he was crying and begging her to go get change for some more quarters, and how he did not want to leave THE CLAW. He would cry for about an hour, sniffle a little, and finally get to talking about how much he wanted a prize. Then and only then was he able to listen to Luna explain the set up. And more talk and cry until sometimes he was exhausted then sleep. And then he was a happy child again.
I tell you this story because its about how dishonesty hurts us. Disappointment. We get lied to in many ways and we never got to be listened to or been given some consideration. Like as children our feelings were treated as trivial. As adults, we still treat our emotional selves and each other’s emotions as nonsense. Get over it, we tell each other things like crying over the bitch isn’t worth the salt in your tears. Hurt happens but it’s the response that matters. It’s not about fixing it.
There are some things we should never get over like my sister in law who lost her 3 grandchildren when she couldn’t hold on them to keep them from drowning. There are some broken relationships and friendships that will never stop hurting. But some of us know that with courage, all things can heal. It’s the response that matters. It’s the attention we give to our most hurt selves. It’s having the bravery to hold space for another person’s hurt to unfold and transform everything and everybody. Its about intention. And for that it requires our attention.
See, my baby, Niko was hurt and the game was disguised as fun. He was lied to and hurt by it. How do we respond when we hurt or see one of us hurt? And what about our children ?
Don’t avoid. Don’t run. Don’t betray someone you love and yourself AGAIN.
It took ten years for me to tell her how much it hurt. It didn’t have to be that way. Nothing has to be that way. But how you gonna be alright, if you aren’t all right inside?
I had to tell her how much it hurt me when she was shooting up soda for me, for her, for us, for you. I had to ask what happened to my things. I had to hold space for Niko to heal disappointment and betrayal. I had to tell you my ugly story.
Now, tell yours, for you, for me, for us.
We are all in the need of medicine. But no one can make you take it
We can’t heal alone. Take a risk. And if there is a faster way let me know.
I told her I had never given up on her and how much I cried and how much I prayed for her. I even went to see El Nino de Atocha two times when things were at the worst and so painful. On each pilgrimage, I always left a written petition on the walls and I prayed everyday for her to get her soul back. I just didn’t want her to die from an overdose. I cried a lot for that woman. I didn’t tell her this in an ugly way. I wasn’t even angry about it, but I needed her to know the hell it was for me, for her, for both us. I needed her to acknowledge that she knew what happened to me and that she understood how much it hurt me. It had been almost ten years and she didn’t want to hear it. But we couldn’t go on any further with me being the scapegoat and her feeling shame and guilt. After all these years, can we just go on and hurry up and heal this ?
She was angry ,at first, that I had thrown her “shit” back at her along with a “why couldn’t I let it go?” I knew she wanted to really scream at me , “Why did you have to bring this up!!!!”
I just wanted to her to know how much I value honesty now more than I ever. There is no peace until there is some honesty. I was ready to say adios. But she kept calling me and calling. And I kept ignoring it until I finally was ready to see what the hell she wanted. After all she had the courage or coraje at least to call me back and talk about it. Maybe she was now done with running and had nothing to lose? But she broke thru the hopelessness enough to revisit it again with me. I was surprised.
I am at a point in my life that I don’t care to give my attention to anyone who avoids or ignores healing. I accept people want to live their lives and whatever they want to exist on their way. Let them, but I refuse to pretend and live lies with them. I never wanted to change anybody. Never could. Never will. But changing someone is healing. And if they want a healing, I try to help. I am a healer. And we all are in need of healing and capable of healing others too. But first, I had to let her give me her rage.
I kept saying to her in between her venting that I didn’t say this to hurt her. I said , “All I was doing or trying to do was thank you for being honest. Without it, we have nothing. We can’t even be friends. It’s almost ten years now”
I am so sick of game, lies, and above all pretense. You know? Fake it as a way of making it? I got enough people that use me all while the whole time they say they love and care about me. Being loved and being used are two different things. And I’m done with that.
I told her I wanted more from people. It’s so common for people that they don’t even know they are faking it. It’s automatic. And then they wonder why they are depressed? Try on, it’s because you’re not dealing with your shit? And that not dealing with feelings is what’s making you depressed. Your past is still gonna come up in other ways anyway. And you are just faking it or pretending it away somehow someway. Some of us know you are suffering, living a double life, put on your happy face and plastic smile. But you have lived all your life this way that don’t even know it.
My friend, Luna was watching the movie later that evening, “Sicko” and as I was telling her my story, she said, “Yeah, in this country, we don’t protest, we don’t march, we just go numb. We check out.” Some of us say, we got God or our spirituality. But daily, people are depressed and in pain. They suffer. They are lonely. They go silent. They keep it to themselves all by themselves.
Now I am not being judgmental and think I am better than everybody else. All I am doing is naming it. I get told I am judgmental because bringing up where it still hurts is painful. I wasn’t trying to force her to deal with anything. All I was doing was thanking her and I wanted more depth to our relationship. If we can’t lay down our burden and joy to our beloved than what kind of relationship do we have anyway? It’s not home.
I was thinking about how when we left daddy. Mama decided she was done with daddy’s drinking and cruelty. Mama was gonna drop us off to school that morning. The five of us were between 7-15 years old. We had our schoolbooks in our laps and the clothes on our back, that is all and we left.. Boom! Gone. We had to.
There was no protest from us just shock and a relief at the same time.Things had gotten bad at home and were getting worse. We never went back to the house and we never saw our things again. But I did watch my mama make it on her own. She took a stand to never put up with cruelty. I learned there are limits. Sorry to say, me, my sisters and brothers still had issues with thinking cruelty with love in relationships and with issues with trust. It took a long time to heal this in my family. But again, it took some truthtelling and courage to heal. It started with two of us dealing with our anger and addictions honestly. Can one grow up in the barrio and escape addiction? Yes, we can recover.
I asked my brothers and sisters what happened to our things. What did Daddy do with our things? My sister said an aunt of ours had them and what was left was unknown because her house had flooded. She asked me what did I want or what was I looking for? I said, “Everything.” My brother and I talked about it. And he said what were you hoping to find. I said , I dunno…maybe some memory of who I was that is lost? A piece of me that I need to be healed from or a strength I had forgotten about me ? Some part of me that needs to get healed because it still hurts? Maybe its just a place that I just need to visit again because I don’t want to go there?” Bro basically said, “Damn.”
I am not a possessive person. Nor am I bitter and want to seek justice, revenge or whatever. I am not even sure getting our things back is even necessary for my healing. It’s just that it wasn’t right that we never saw our things again. We were poor and what we owned wasn’t worth much. But what we had was ours. And it wasn’t right. It was a violation of some sort. You know like people looking at your things and touching them, and doing what they want with them without your consent. I am sure it was difficult for daddy’s side of the family to deal with us and left the responsibility to my father. And I’m sure it may have hurt him a lot to tell us nothing was left or this is all that is left.
Why wasn’t there an attempt to have our things returned? Maybe they just didn’t know how to deal with it? Was it the pain we all would have had to have felt? What are we trying to protect ourselves now as adults? Does it still hurt? Daddy eventually did get sober and now is no longer with us. But it still hurts.
It didn’t have to be that way.
None of it had to be that way.
The whole thing was shocking before, during, and after.
But we have done a lot of healing in my family. I learned freedom and peace comes from truthtelling.
Look, I don’t want to tell you my ugly story either.
Do you think this is easy for me to tell you?
But I have to… because I want to connect my journey with your journey.
See, we are connected. Maybe then we can all join paths and I will have more companions on the good red road. But so will you.
A coworker had come to my office and was talking about how she was trying to teach her daughter about money. And that her daughter loves to get quarters to get a prize in what I call THE CLAW.
It’s a machine that when you pay your quarter, you place your claw above the prize you want and a mechanical claw drops down fast to grab your prize. Most of the time, THE CLAW touches the prize and it comes up with nothing Its supposed to be about skill but it really isn’t. It’s an illusion and rigged to make money. They call it recreation. They lie. It’s about making money. But it’s whatever ounce of our hopefulness that gets us to try the game in the first place. And when you are young, you have a lot more hopefulness and don’t understand fully about dishonesty. Then you get disappointed by THE CLAW and other forms of lying.
I remembered how my godchild, Niko used to have a meltdown when he didn’t get a prize in THE CLAW. It was major meltdown. Talk about disappointment! He is a Leo and hates to lose anyway. He was addicted to the game. Luna used to say that it would never fail that he would have a major cry and tantrum after playing the game,
She had several options on what to do for him afterwards. 1. Make fun of him and tell to just get over it and that is just what life is-you win and you lose, 2. Whip him and tell him to shut up, 3. Ignore him, he will figure it later in life, 4.Let him talk, cry, kick, and scream his frustration and disappointment. Luna, of course, would have never done the first three options.
So, after about four quarters and not winning a prize, and her telling him she didn’t have any more quarters, all the crying and hurt came out of him. Disappointment.
With as much patience as she could (she gets tired), she gave him attention and told him the game was a setup. She said it in words he could understand, but he was beyond listening. He was deep into his emotions at that point. So she picked him up as he was crying and begging her to go get change for some more quarters, and how he did not want to leave THE CLAW. He would cry for about an hour, sniffle a little, and finally get to talking about how much he wanted a prize. Then and only then was he able to listen to Luna explain the set up. And more talk and cry until sometimes he was exhausted then sleep. And then he was a happy child again.
I tell you this story because its about how dishonesty hurts us. Disappointment. We get lied to in many ways and we never got to be listened to or been given some consideration. Like as children our feelings were treated as trivial. As adults, we still treat our emotional selves and each other’s emotions as nonsense. Get over it, we tell each other things like crying over the bitch isn’t worth the salt in your tears. Hurt happens but it’s the response that matters. It’s not about fixing it.
There are some things we should never get over like my sister in law who lost her 3 grandchildren when she couldn’t hold on them to keep them from drowning. There are some broken relationships and friendships that will never stop hurting. But some of us know that with courage, all things can heal. It’s the response that matters. It’s the attention we give to our most hurt selves. It’s having the bravery to hold space for another person’s hurt to unfold and transform everything and everybody. Its about intention. And for that it requires our attention.
See, my baby, Niko was hurt and the game was disguised as fun. He was lied to and hurt by it. How do we respond when we hurt or see one of us hurt? And what about our children ?
Don’t avoid. Don’t run. Don’t betray someone you love and yourself AGAIN.
It took ten years for me to tell her how much it hurt. It didn’t have to be that way. Nothing has to be that way. But how you gonna be alright, if you aren’t all right inside?
I had to tell her how much it hurt me when she was shooting up soda for me, for her, for us, for you. I had to ask what happened to my things. I had to hold space for Niko to heal disappointment and betrayal. I had to tell you my ugly story.
Now, tell yours, for you, for me, for us.
We are all in the need of medicine. But no one can make you take it
We can’t heal alone. Take a risk. And if there is a faster way let me know.
Friday, April 3, 2009
THE ANGELIC HUMANS
During this Time of ChangeAs we seek to evolve as Humans
To a state closer to the Divine Source
We search for guidance...
From those who can help show us the Way
As from a deep sleep, the Angelic Humans are
Awakening: Remembering.
Friday, March 27, 2009
HEY THERE 2
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Hey There 2
Tantan,
Where are you?
There are so many things I want to tell you.
I long to breathe the same air you do.I want to hear your heart beat and voice.
Que triste.Que lastima.
I pray for us.
I never wanted to leave you and what I know now is-
I never could and never will.
I am still right here.
All I know now is
I know my beloved's name.
Look, where we are now?
I am well.
After losing you,
I am unbreakable.
I survived and love you more everyday.
Not a day goes by I dont think of you.
Despite everything, I love you and I always will.
One year later, where are we?
Lost.
How ironic like in "Lost" a disaster blew us apart and I still dont know if you survived.
I dont know
if you made it.
When I left our house, I dreamnt that while I was driving that everything around me turned completely white, and my truck was spinning out of control like it did when I hit ice on the bridge last winter. I tried to gain control of the truck and thought I had crashed and that I was dying.The seat belt was choking me. Then suddenly, a voice said to me, to hold on help was coming and for me to let go.
And I did.
You were right
I have an entourage and I have plenty more than most people.
I look at our pictures.
What the fuck happened?
I was the happiest I had ever been in my entire life.
I look and see who I was and who I am now.
You would be WOWED if you could hear my story.
We could sit for hours talking
and I could show you what else I can do now.
These are extraordinary times
and dangerous times.
The preparation was the same as the test.
More than tell the truth,
be
and live the truth.
I am the woman I have always wanted to be.
And I know you know.
You see me.
Its just that way between us.
I forgive you.
Please forgive me.
May we find a peaceful place for our hurt in our hearts.
Believe me when I tell you this,
I want you to not hurt anymore.
I send you joy and a breath of love.
You will never be alone.
You have me.
Tug on my spirit.
Its just that way between us
since we were little girls under las mimosas cantanado
cantando por
por nosotras.
Please find your way home.
Mucho blessings for your birthday
and the rest of your life,
Ari
Monday, November 24, 2008
XICANA DYKES
Para Sabrina, Randi, Maria Christina, Miguela, y todas mis jotas de Tejas, Califas, where ever...dondequiera
Xicanas
lesbianas,
this is dedicated to my beloved Xicana dykes ,
to the lonely ones who don't have anybody,
to the ones they don't have us
and especially
for the ones that don't want to labeled anything
etc.... etc..
Whatever.
There was a time when finding you was a longing that seemed would never happen.
I say it many times to myself.
Dreams do come true.
You all are my dream come true.
You all are so precious.
Mas que el maize.
Our worth is not material.
Somos de puro corazon.
Do you love me, jota?
Do you hold that
secret
from me ?
Do lie and keep that secret from
yo self?
INALAKECH
I am another yourself ,guerca!
I am yours and you are mine.
You
and only you h
can cut me so easily g
and yet with so little, i
you empower me and lift me h
And
I got your back.
I watch out for you.
Xicana Dykes are always always
on my mind.
I love you Xicana
dykona
butchona
malflora
tortillera
Canarla.
Eres mi jota
mi homey
Comadre
Chupa
rosas
sexy cabrona.
Soy la keeper de mi seezter
But
do you have my back, manita?
Will you would do the same for all of us.
All of us.
Todas.
Jota.
Its not easy finding each other.
Some of us will never find us.
Some of will never know.
They will never know what the gringos call community.
Some of us will never what its like
to be a tribe
to be home.
You are home to me
Home is where we heal.
Sometimes cabronas
nomas neccisito hablar contigo y un puertoricana wont do
Jota, I love you.
And I havent been smokingor drinking.
I am for the real.
All we have is us.
I am not asking for loyalty, diva.
Be real.
Tell me the shit.
I rely on you to give me truth.
Its is the air we breathe
Its what makes us nothing into something.
I love you, Xicana.
You are another me
and you really
all that matters to me.
I pray that you one day soon
you will see
how much I matter to you too.
One day you will learn
you hurt yourself more when you hurt me.
Until then,
we are all
alone
again.
copyright 2008 by Ari Marta Chagoya
Xicanas
lesbianas,
this is dedicated to my beloved Xicana dykes ,
to the lonely ones who don't have anybody,
to the ones they don't have us
and especially
for the ones that don't want to labeled anything
etc.... etc..
Whatever.
There was a time when finding you was a longing that seemed would never happen.
I say it many times to myself.
Dreams do come true.
You all are my dream come true.
You all are so precious.
Mas que el maize.
Our worth is not material.
Somos de puro corazon.
Do you love me, jota?
Do you hold that
secret
from me ?
Do lie and keep that secret from
yo self?
INALAKECH
I am another yourself ,guerca!
I am yours and you are mine.
You
and only you h
can cut me so easily g
and yet with so little, i
you empower me and lift me h
And
I got your back.
I watch out for you.
Xicana Dykes are always always
on my mind.
I love you Xicana
dykona
butchona
malflora
tortillera
Canarla.
Eres mi jota
mi homey
Comadre
Chupa
rosas
sexy cabrona.
Soy la keeper de mi seezter
But
do you have my back, manita?
Will you would do the same for all of us.
All of us.
Todas.
Jota.
Its not easy finding each other.
Some of us will never find us.
Some of will never know.
They will never know what the gringos call community.
Some of us will never what its like
to be a tribe
to be home.
You are home to me
Home is where we heal.
Sometimes cabronas
nomas neccisito hablar contigo y un puertoricana wont do
Jota, I love you.
And I havent been smokingor drinking.
I am for the real.
All we have is us.
I am not asking for loyalty, diva.
Be real.
Tell me the shit.
I rely on you to give me truth.
Its is the air we breathe
Its what makes us nothing into something.
I love you, Xicana.
You are another me
and you really
all that matters to me.
I pray that you one day soon
you will see
how much I matter to you too.
One day you will learn
you hurt yourself more when you hurt me.
Until then,
we are all
alone
again.
copyright 2008 by Ari Marta Chagoya
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
THE TANTRA OF TENDERNESS: KINDNESS & COMPASSION KISSING with Dreaming Bear Baraka Kanan
Welcome to the tree of life. Welcome to the tree of life. Let's climb the vines of each other's minds and go out on a limb of love together where we can more easily rub elbows with eternity as we carve each other's names into a heart of light etched from the funny bone of the moon.
One drink from this cup of destiny and you'll disappear with me into the mystery of why our hearts refuse to be apart and so keep on sending each other love letters of light in the form of falling stars, fireflies and your smile to light up the night. While our souls dance the hula hoop with the sparkling rings of Saturn. One kiss, just one kiss is enough to have us giving birth to planets and dancing, toe-to-toe, with the sun.
So, come on in dear one and let's make out with life like we mean it. Just dive in to this infinite womb of belonging with me and you're likely to become a love crazed lunatic whose lips are wet and always ready for a candy communion kiss. Wet with wonder as all our tears somehow become a chorus of tenderness that is always singing so sweetly into the ears of every broken heart saying, “Your salvation is already within you. Your salvation is already within you.”
So, just play hooky from your “have to's.” You know you want to. So, play hooky from your “have to's” and take one more sip of these ruby red lips. We'll become the voice of the wilderness and the innocence of every creature playing hide-and-seek with the one behind the billion blazing suns pulsating in the indescribability of each movement of lip and tongue.
Quickly, while noone else is looking, let's slip into the shadows of another dimension together where our daydreams are making love to our fantasies and giving birth to whole new realities inside each breath and heartbeat.
A frontier of forgiveness where your happiness is my Garden of Eden. The paradise of smiling lips is where we tongue wrestle each other's tenderness into luminous star shine waterfalls whilpooling their way into infinities glowing, giggling naval.
As a shameless display of my affection for you I have graffitied your essence into every cosmos, river, tree, rock, atom with the skill of an ancient artist. For you, my dear, I have willingly jumped off the cliff of consciousness without a parachute of reason. Diving, face first, into the even horizon of every black hole. Fishing for bits and pieces of forgotten truth, which I have fashioned for you here as this priceless verse and golden honesty.
Now here I am upon bended knee proposing, “Will you marry freedom with me?” Will you marry freedom with me? Come on. Let's elope into ecstasy. We can have a honeymoon on the blissful shores of Venus, complete with angel winged excursions into the mystic oasis of Mars. Or better yet, take one more drink with me from that fountain of fascination and let's become the intoxicating wine of intimacy and spike the whole world's reservoirs with equal parts of magic and mischief until everyone is naked of the need to fit in.
Naked of the need to fit in and marathoning themselves into kamikaze kissing and hugging contests where everyone wins in the end. If we love each other without shame everyone wins in the end.
So, come here you. Come in close and let's start a lovolution with our lips and leave this dry world drowning in the drink of a desire to kiss this life like it were a love affair and every being our beloved.
Let's kiss this life like it were a love affair and every being our beloved.
So, there's a sweet, tender drink from this overflowing heart.
from a podcast transcript that can be found at:
http://personallifemedia.com/podcasts/225-sex-tantra-and-kama-sutra/episodes/20761-tantra-tenderness-kindness-compassion
One drink from this cup of destiny and you'll disappear with me into the mystery of why our hearts refuse to be apart and so keep on sending each other love letters of light in the form of falling stars, fireflies and your smile to light up the night. While our souls dance the hula hoop with the sparkling rings of Saturn. One kiss, just one kiss is enough to have us giving birth to planets and dancing, toe-to-toe, with the sun.
So, come on in dear one and let's make out with life like we mean it. Just dive in to this infinite womb of belonging with me and you're likely to become a love crazed lunatic whose lips are wet and always ready for a candy communion kiss. Wet with wonder as all our tears somehow become a chorus of tenderness that is always singing so sweetly into the ears of every broken heart saying, “Your salvation is already within you. Your salvation is already within you.”
So, just play hooky from your “have to's.” You know you want to. So, play hooky from your “have to's” and take one more sip of these ruby red lips. We'll become the voice of the wilderness and the innocence of every creature playing hide-and-seek with the one behind the billion blazing suns pulsating in the indescribability of each movement of lip and tongue.
Quickly, while noone else is looking, let's slip into the shadows of another dimension together where our daydreams are making love to our fantasies and giving birth to whole new realities inside each breath and heartbeat.
A frontier of forgiveness where your happiness is my Garden of Eden. The paradise of smiling lips is where we tongue wrestle each other's tenderness into luminous star shine waterfalls whilpooling their way into infinities glowing, giggling naval.
As a shameless display of my affection for you I have graffitied your essence into every cosmos, river, tree, rock, atom with the skill of an ancient artist. For you, my dear, I have willingly jumped off the cliff of consciousness without a parachute of reason. Diving, face first, into the even horizon of every black hole. Fishing for bits and pieces of forgotten truth, which I have fashioned for you here as this priceless verse and golden honesty.
Now here I am upon bended knee proposing, “Will you marry freedom with me?” Will you marry freedom with me? Come on. Let's elope into ecstasy. We can have a honeymoon on the blissful shores of Venus, complete with angel winged excursions into the mystic oasis of Mars. Or better yet, take one more drink with me from that fountain of fascination and let's become the intoxicating wine of intimacy and spike the whole world's reservoirs with equal parts of magic and mischief until everyone is naked of the need to fit in.
Naked of the need to fit in and marathoning themselves into kamikaze kissing and hugging contests where everyone wins in the end. If we love each other without shame everyone wins in the end.
So, come here you. Come in close and let's start a lovolution with our lips and leave this dry world drowning in the drink of a desire to kiss this life like it were a love affair and every being our beloved.
Let's kiss this life like it were a love affair and every being our beloved.
So, there's a sweet, tender drink from this overflowing heart.
from a podcast transcript that can be found at:
http://personallifemedia.com/podcasts/225-sex-tantra-and-kama-sutra/episodes/20761-tantra-tenderness-kindness-compassion
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